Insert Obligatory Physics Joke Here
by Chris7221
Summary: Four friends end up in the weird and wonderful world of Mass Effect. Follow a bad engineer, a pretentious musician, a former soldier, and Sandra as they help Shepard chase down Saren. Action! Drama! Romance! Humour! Fun! Sci-fi! Pondering! Philosophy! Humor! More action! This is a parody pseudo-SI.
1. Intro: Call of Fate or something

This story is a self-insert story, where four friends end up in the weird and wonderful world of Mass Effect 2!

What?

What the hell do you mean it's-

Oh, fine.

I suppose it's technically not a self-insert since all characters are fictionalized composites. However, it's written in the style of a self-insert and pays homage and parodies self-inserts. So maybe it's a pseudo-self-insert or demi-self-insert.

**XCVG Systems** Presents

**Pegasus Rising**

...the hell do you mean that's not what the story is called?

**July 21, 200x  
Teh Interwebs**

Skype signed in. 430 unread messages that you probably have either seen or don't care about and can't easily get rid of. Online: RaqVet25, SublimeVirtuoso, Ultra_Elite_Engineer.

Now hijacking your volume control, eating up your CPU cycles and stealing all your network bandwidth. All previously sent files, even ones weeks old, have been locked for your inconvenience.

We got you by the balls. Whatcha gonna do, host your own TeamSpeak server?

That's what I thought. You know I own your soul. Don't fight it.

Sandra3124: BOO!  
SublimeVirtuoso: ahhh!  
RaqVet25: IT'S BASRA ALL OVER AGAIN! WE NEED EVAC! EVAC GOD DAMN IT!  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wut

I glanced up from the computer as dogs started barking. "What? You need to go outside again?"

Sandra3124: lol u guys  
Sandra3124: hows it going?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I'm trying to do alculus+c, but I don't know how to algebra  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's not going too well.  
SublimeVirtuoso: Oh, just writing a song, do you want to hear it?  
Sandra3124: What's it about?  
SublimeVirtuoso: It's a metaphor for colours, painting a picture with brass and violins.

I let the four of them downstairs and out the door into the neighbour's yard. "Go shit on their lawn. Good boy."

RaqVet25: jesus christ, could it get any gayer in here? you're such a fag  
Sandra3124: HOMOPHOBE!  
RaqVet25: im not a homophobe, I'm just crude  
RaqVet25: look, I have nothing against gays, but in the corps thats how you talk  
Sandra3124: you're being homophobic.  
SublimeVirtuoso: Definitely homophobic.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I don't think homophobic is the right word, but definitely anti-homosexual.  
RaqVet25: cut me some fucking slack, I fought for your freedom  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Iraq was a war of terror, not a war on terror.

Oh, this could go bad places fast. Politics is bad and should never be discussed. I decided to steer the conversation elsewhere.

Sandra3124: I thought there's was that one guy you said was hot?  
RaqVet25: yeah, he was, you're not gay if you think Rudy is hot  
Sandra3124: lol wut  
RaqVet25: watch GK, totally factual

I change the subject, for I have important things to say and RaqVet25's opinion is not valid.

Sandra3124: Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys a question.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Yup?  
RaqVet25: ?  
Sandra3124: You know those chain mails-  
RaqVet25: OH FUCK NO!  
Sandra3124: Oh fuck yes!  
Sandra3124: One of my buddies on DA sent me this chainmail. If we all wish exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, it will come true at 11:11 tonight. Today being 11-11-11 of course, which is the Skyrim launch and also some kind of war memorial day in countries that aren't ours.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's Remembrance Day, you ignorant bitch.  
SublimeVirtuoso: yeah, that's actually like, super offensive  
SublimeVirtuoso: it's a very important day for us British people and Empire subjects as well  
SublimeVirtuoso: it's when we honour the sacrifice of those who fought and died for us  
RaqVet25: What's DA?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: which timezone  
Sandra3124: Lagos Time, I checked

No response for like 5 minutes. I pushed a bit.

Sandra3124: I was wondering if you wanted to try it out. It probably won't work, but...  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: but?  
Sandra3124: hehe I made you say but  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wat  
Sandra3124: moving on then! we trying  
SublimeVirtuoso: We can try it out, and what's with the sudden drop in grammatical prowess?  
Sandra3124: dunno  
SublimeVirtuoso: What do we wish for? An orange?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i wish this retarded shit made sense  
RaqVet25: I wish my PTSD would go away...  
Sandra3124: absolutely not! It's only good for one wish! It's gotta be something good!  
Sandra3124: not to mention it has to be a wish to be in Mass Effect, or this chapter would be a giant waste of space

True dat.

SublimeVirtuoso: We should wish to be in Mass Effect 2  
RaqVet25: why 2?  
SublimeVirtuoso: because I haven't played one  
RaqVet25: fair enough  
SublimeVirtuoso: wait, did it work for your friend?  
Sandra3124: Yeah, she wished for a red sports car, and one showed up in her driveway the next day. It was in her LiveJournal!  
SublimeVirtuoso: there are so many things wrong with that  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Can't we at least wish for something normal... like money?  
SublimeVirtuoso: Nope, gotta be ME2.  
RaqVet25: Why? Why a self-insert?  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: is being in a self-insert even a good idea?  
SublimeVirtuoso: At sober second thought, this may not be a good plan.  
Sandra3124: No arguing, it makes us look bad.

I check the clock. It's almost time. We've got to hurry!

Sandra3124: Guys, we've got to do this now or never!  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Shouldn't we set parameters?  
Sandra3124: No time! Everyone ready?  
SublimeVirtuoso: As ready as ever.  
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i guess  
RaqVet25: Locked and loaded!  
Sandra3124: 1234go!

**XCVG Systems** Presents

**Insert Effect**

...the hell do you mean that's not what the story is called either?


	2. Arrival at Zion I mean Normandy

*flips shades down*

Let's begin.

*tosses shades into trash*

**Chapter 1: Arrival at Normandy**

_Sandra_

I wasn't sure what happened. One moment I was on my computer, the next I was... somewhere else. The walls were shiny grey (silver?), and it was stacked with crates and boxes. It looked familiar- the Normandy! It had to be.

Elated, I stood up and shouted at the top of my lungs, "IT WORKED! IT WORKED! I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY DID SOMETHING THAT WORKED!"

"I am detecting a lame reference in the cargo bay," a slightly synthetic female voice announced. EDI. "Flooding the cargo bay with a deadly neurotoxin. Error- morality core has blocked access. Attempting to reroute. Dispatching security."

"Did someone merge EDI with GLaDOS?" a familiar voice joked. I turned to my right, and there was Kevin, aka Ultra_Elite_Engineer. He was dressed in one of those futuristic colonist outfits that didn't look very futuristic at all, an ugly brown color really.

Other than that, he looked mostly the same. Brown hair that came down and covered his ears, similar colored eyes and scruffy beard. He adjusted his glasses and blinked a few times before asking, "Where's everybody else?"

"Oh, bloody hell," said a British accented voice. A man in a normal and not futuristic outfit stumbled out from between a pair of crates, pulling a duffel bag and instrument case behind him. This was actually the first time I'd seen Aleks, or SublimeVirtuoso, in the flesh. He looked decidedly more average and less British than I imagined.

"Fuck me," a deeper voice, this one not British. That was Jason, the big tough soldier guy with some kind of mental condition from Raq. He was in full military gear. "God fucking damn it."

A door on the far side of the cargo bay opened, revealing two humans in armor and carrying assault rifles that I'd never seen in the game. Security. They pointed their guns right at us, which was pretty scary since I'd never had a gun pointed at me before.

A third figure emerged from between them. She had short red hair and dark brown eyes- a combination I'd never used. There was a scar running down her face, but it actually made her look more beautiful. Though her uniform was hardly flattering, she was slim, feminine, and pretty. Was it really her? The great Commander Shepard? In the flesh?

"Is that-" I squeak out.

Jason shakes his head, peeking out from behind a metal crate. "Nah, that's not the Commander."

A different woman, with the same hair (but dirtier) and eye color (but more intense) but taller and more muscular with a much uglier scar, followed behind her. She was decidedly less pretty. The slimmer woman turned and saluted, and the larger woman saluted back before saying, "At ease, marine."

"That's the Commander."

I manage to squee before I black out.

_Kevin_

"This can't be happening." Oh shit, we're actually here. On the Normandy! In Mass Effect!

"Can it," Jason snapped.

"This can't be happening!" Everyone is gone! We're headed toward certain death! The Reapers are coming! I left the bread in the oven!

"Shut the fuck up!" Jason screamed at me.

"Hey!" Shepard called, stepping down into the cargo bay. "Who are you and what are you doing on my ship."

I forced myself to speak up and try to sound as professional as possible. Come on, Kevin. You can do this. Just like in those other, less ambitious self inserts. "Commander Shepard. We heard you're taking on the Collectors, and we want in... umm, if your buddies lower the guns, can we talk privately in your private quarters? You know, the one with the fish tank and the collectable ship display."

She just looks at me like I'm insane. "Excuse me? Collectors?"

I get a second look at her uniform. Blue. Alliance. So are the Marines. "Shit, this is Mass Effect 1, isn't it?"

"Could be 3, couldn't it?" Jason asked.

"No, if it was 3 she would know about the Collectors," Aleks told us, untangling himself from his instrument case.

I asked, "Hey, what year is it?"

Before Shepard could stop her, the pretty woman replied, "2183"

"Yeah, this is Mass Effect 1."

"I'm sorry, what the hell are you talking about?" Shepard asked. "You better stop explaining yourselves before I throw you in the brig."

"No, no, no, you answer my question first," Aleks said forcefully. "If this is the SR-1, what's with that psychotic AI?"

"AI? That's just some stupid voice pack Joker installed," the chatty woman added before covering her mouth, embarrassed.

"Hey, you gotta admit, it's pretty funny," a voice called over the intercom. "Neurotoxin emitter? Morality core? Classic."

_Aleksandr_

This was getting very peculiar very quickly.

"I want answers, now!" Shepard demanded. "This is a military vessel, highly secured. How did you get aboard?"

Oh, shit. See, we didn't have time to come up with a cover story. We're going to have to improvise.

Actually, seeing as none of my mates are saying anything, I'm going to have to improvise.

"Well, there's this song, it's called Vexations, and it's known to cause hallucinations and even death to people who play it. I started playing it, and..."

I trailed off as Shepard started laughing. A strong, bright laugh. Genuine amusement. Laughing _at_ us. Laughing at _me_. "Seriously? That's the best you could come up with? Perfect op, and that's the cover story you've got."

"Just tell her the truth," Jason advised me, trying to give me another opening I suppose.

I took a deep breath. "Look, I don't know how we got here, okay? We just went to sleep in a not so nice place, next thing we knew we were here."

A pregnant pause. "Bullshit."

I'm going to need to break out the big guns. It's a bad cliche but at that point I was much to disoriented to conceive a good metaphor. See, in any self-insert, the characters use information they shouldn't know to gain an opening. Then they at least have an _in_, and can talk with Shepard at some level of equality. If they do it right then they can actually pass themselves off as oracles or such.

"Shepard, I know things. We know things. Believe it or not we can help you."

She folded her arms. "Start talking."

There's a problem with this plan. We thought we were going into Mass Effect 2, and this is Mass Effect 1... and I know nothing about this Shepard. We have no predictable entry, no plan, no parameters, no known information other than what is common between all runs of Mass Effect. And even that is of limited use because we do not know where or when we are.

The talkative lady, however, probably knows all kinds of things about life, the universe and everything. "Hey talkative lady!"

"Yeah?"

"Where was Shepard born?"

"Oh, that's easy, she was born on Mindoir. Then she lost her family to slavers before she joined the Alliance. Real sad story, that."

"Commander Shepard! You were born on Mindoir, and joined the Alliance after slavers killed your entire family."

She started chewing her lip. "Keep talking."

"Hey talkative lady, did Shepard do something very significant during her career?"

"Yes, she was the sole survivor on Akuze. It's a sad story, but also an inspiring one."

"You were the sole survivor on Akuze," Jason shouted, starting to figure out what I was doing.

"I'll admit, that's pretty good," Shepard evaluated. "Clearly you know a lot about me. But what about the current mission?"

My friends were catching on. "Hey talkative lady," Kevin called. "Where are we headed?"

"On our way to the Citadel."

"And where are we coming from?"

"Eden Prime... or what's left of it. Geth totaled the place, nearly destroyed the colony. Something about a rogue Spectre, Saren I think, trying to get a Prothean beacon. Then Shepard used it, and it scrambled her brains a bit."

"You just came from Eden Prime," Kevin shouted. "Saren was there with the geth. He used the Prothean beacon, then you used the Prothean beacon, then it blew up, and now you're messed up in the head."

"Keep going..." Shepard said. Clearly she was starting to be convinced.

"Hey, talkative lady!" Jason called. "Did we lose anybody on Eden Prime?"

"Nihlus was shot in the head and Jenkins was shredded by drones. I had to help move the bodies. Awful work, that."

"And did we pick anybody up?"

"A Gunnery Chief Williams, last survivor of her unit. Truly awful when that happens." The talkative lady suppressed a shudder.

Jason mulled it over for a moment, then shouted, "Commander Shepard, Nihlus was shot in the back of the head on Eden Prime by someone he trusted, and you lost Jenkins to drone fire. Chief Williams lost her unit and you picked her up."

I conclude, "See, Commander? We're like, oracles. We just know things. And we can tell things about the future, too."

"Like the lottery numbers," Kevin added. Then, after a pause, I suppose he realized that wasn't a good idea. "No guarantees, though. Quantum realities or something like that. When we look at the future it changes things just enough to throw off the lottery."

The talkative lady who had been very helpful handed her rifle to Shepard, stepped forward four paces until she was right in front of us, and then quickly punched each of us in the face in quick succession.

Jason just stands there, like he barely felt it. Kevin is on the floor, clutching his face. Sandra is still out cold. I gently prod my face, and it sends waves of pain through it. "Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"For calling my sister _talkative lady_ instead of her name, probably," Shepard replied deadpan.

She laughed. "Come on, the cargo bay's cold and stuffy. There's still some cake in the fridge, and Kaidan just put on a fresh pot of coffee. We can talk over lunch. I'm Jane, by the way."

"I'm Kevin Georgeas."

"Lance Corporal Jason Hernandez, USMC, retired."

"Sandra McCarthy," Sandra muttered as the two guards began dragging her across the floor.

"Aleksandr, but everyone just calls me Aleks," I replied numbly, following her up the steps.


	3. The Unreveal

No reviews? Aww, that makes me a sad panda :( Lots of nice reviews makes me warm and fuzzy and update faster *wink* Wuv u guys XOXOXOXOXO so review pl0x! Just no haters kay?

I don't own Mass Effect but if I did there would be SOOOOOOOOOOO much more Garrus! Who here loves Garrus? *raises hands* That's right! I heart Garrus!

* * *

**Chapter 3: The Unreveal**  
Jason

Shepard leads us into the elevator, and it's tense in there. Damn, these elevators are slow.

_Extremely slow. Definitely does not meet standards._

"We need a plan," I whisper to Kevin. He nods in response.

"We need to come up with a cover story," he replies, leaning in.

"Something good, like maybe-" Aleksandr begins before he gets cut off.

The talkative lady who is apparently Shepard's sister (would that make her a mini-Shepard?) leans in. "What are you talking about?"

I immediately rattle off the most offensive thing I can. "How to fuck your CO's wife's brains out without getting court-martialed for it."

"Sounds interesting."

"Yeah, it's not exactly girl talk-" Then I realize what she said and that she sounded genuinely _interested_. "What?"

"Lots of women like other women. Sometimes women they shouldn't." I wouldn't say lots. Damn dykes.

_Oh, don't be such a bigot._

"Do you?" I ask harshly.

She bats her eyelashes. "I'll never tell."

The elevator dings, the doors open, and we head out into the crew deck. I grab Aleksandr's arm and tell him, "Follow my lead."

_It's not like _I _have much of a choice._

Aleksandr

I seemed to remember the SR-1 being, well, not smaller, but having a lot more empty space.

The first and most immediate change I noticed was that the elevator faced the opposite direction it did in the game, toward the back of the ship. The wall is made from the same dark silvery-grey metally-plasticky stuff, but there are two doors just like the ones in the game on the wall. I still have no idea where they go. On each side is a staircase going up to the top floor, but they are not curved at all and very steep.

We followed Shepard around the front, and there was scarcely any space to move. A pair of small tables with two rows of chairs each were in front of the elevator, with some kind of food dispenser along with a sink and small preparation area right up against it. There were doors on each side of the narrow space, and three forward. I assumed that those went to the medical bay, sleep pods, and captain's cabin, though I of course could not tell.

Also, it seemed to me that the ceiling was lower. And I did not remember those lockers on the wall being there. Or all the junk on the ceiling.

Shepard motioned us to the table, and we sit down in the horrid chairs. They're so uncomfortable, tiny and cold and metally. Seriously, my arse is sore within seconds of sitting down. I'm sandwiched between Kevin and Jason, with Sandra deposited on the seat to Kevin's left. Shepard and her sister (is that really her sister?) were sitting across from us.

"Hey Shepard, I gotta hit the head," Jason called casually.

Shepard responded without even thinking. "Portside bulkhead, bow hatch. Turn aft."

"Got it," Jason replied, standing up and making his way over to the left wall and going through the forwardmost door. Frankly I didn't understand how he could understand that and I'm not sure what it even meant.

"I'm, uh, following him," Kevin said awkwardly, standing up and doing so.

"Hey, I won't judge," Shepard replied. "I have lots of friends that live an alternative lifestyle."

She turned to me. "So... nice weather we've been having."

I began to reply to her forced attempt at conversation, than stopped when the blatantly obvious hit me. "We're on a ship."

She blinked. "Oh, right."

A moment of awkward silence, then a pause. She twiddled her fingers. The great Commander Shepard can't talk. "So, uh, do you go to school?"

"Yeah, I'm in Lon- high school." Got to be careful, my school might not even exist in the future. The fewer specifics, the better.

"What do you do in Lon-high school. Do you, uh, learn stuff?"

I nearly facepalmed. "Yes."

"Maybe you should let me handle this, sis," the younger Shepard advised.

"No time," Jason said sharply, coming up behind and literally yanking me out of my seat. "Aleks has to take a shit. Come on blue falcon, move your ass."

"What does blue falcon mean?" I asked as the door shut behind us. Wow, that's a futuristic bathroom. Also, it was tiny. Barely bigger than mine but designed for much more people. The urinals were right next to each other; two guys doing their business would be uncomfortably close. There were three sinks and two showers along one wall, and a pair of toilet stalls crammed in beside the urinals.

And yet even in the future the place smelled like piss and chemicals.

"Buddy fucker," Jason replied nonchalantly. "I say follow my lead, not bullshit with Jenny and her juliet-bravo sister."

"JB? What does that mean?" Kevin paused, realization passing through his eyes. "Oh, _jailbait_. Why didn't you just say so?"

"She's at least seventeen," I replied. Actually, probably in her twenties, given Shepard's age. I can understand the confusion, though. She looks no older than me- I guess people look younger in the future.

"Still technically a child soldier, illegal to kill under the Geneva Conventions, and thus jailbait." I couldn't look it up at the time, but I seriously doubted that was correct.

I corrected Jason. "Uh, that's not what jailbait means."

"Jailbait means too young. Kill, fuck, what's the difference? We all get fucked and killed in the end." I wasn't sure if he was being humourous or philosophical.

"Where's Sandra?" Kevin asked.

We share a look, and there's another awkward silence before Jason waves his hand dismissively. "Fuck Sandra. We don't need her."

"I suppose," I replied. "All right, let's plan this. We need backgrounds, identities. One for each of us."

"Jason Thompson," Jason proposed. "Former Alliance Marine, did some mercenary work before semi-retiring to Eden Prime. Have some issues, got screwed up on, let's say Elysium."

"That was a shitty movie," Kevin pointed out.

"What?" Jason asked, confused.

"Elysium. It was a shitty movie." Seeing our odd looks, Kevin continued. "All right, Kevin Landon Johnson. Keep it simple. I'm an engineering student at Citadel University."

"Perfect," I replied. "All right, my turn. I'm Aleksandr Petrov-"

Jason cut me off, pointing out, "You're not Russian. You're a fucking Cockney."

"So? This is the future. People don't have consistent accents here. I can be from wherever I bloody well want to. Anyway, I'm a professional composer and orchestrator person and have been hailed as the next Tchaikovsky. Oh and I'm also a world-class painter."

"Don't you think that's a bit much?" Kevin asked.

"Well, I like to inflate my ego a bit, both me and Petrov," I replied.

"What about Sandra? She needs an identity," Jason said.

"Well, we'll have to make one up for her," I replied, adjusting my glasses, which had decided that now would be a good time to slip down my nose. "She's American, so she can be from Boston Illinois, the Big Apple."

Kevin pointed out, "Okay, I'm from Kelowna and I know that's wrong."

I retorted, "Who fucking cares? She's dense as a rock, this kind of confusion happens."

"And a bit fat," Kevin pointed out.

"And a bit fat," I agreed. "Let's say she works as a waitress in one of those places where the waitresses take their clothes off."

"A titty bar?" Jason suggested.

I snapped my fingers. "Yes, she works at a strip club. She's not the best but the owner keeps her around... why would he keep her around?"

"Illegitimate child," Kevin suggested. "The owner had dubcon sex with her mother and then stabbed her to death before she was born. He keeps her around because she threatened to tell the cops."

"Don't you think that's a little harsh?" I pointed out.

"Hey, fuck her, she ain't here!" Jason shot back. "Alright, how did we get here?"

"Drugs," Kevin immediately suggested.

"Drugs?" I asked, skeptical.

"Yes. Like The Hangover. We took some bad Hallex, passed out, and woke up in the cargo bay."

"Okay," I replied, satisfied.

"This is good. Where were we taking bad Hallex?" Jason asked.

I pondered it for a moment before shouting, "Eden Prime. Constant, the capital of Eden Prime. We were partying, having a hell of a time, and we stumbled onto the ship while it was on the planet."

"That's good, that's good," Kevin concurred. "Except that by the time the Normandy got there the place was on fire."

"Damn it."

"Fuck me."

"Bloody hell."

We sat there pondering in silence for what must have been at least an hour.

"Ah, fuck it, we don't have to get every minor detail," Jason finally dismissed. "We were drunk and stoned."

"Right, that will explain any of the inconsistencies," I repeated. "All right, we got this?"

"We got this."

Sandra

"So, Broshep?"

"Yeah." I shrug. I've never really been a fan. I mean, yeah, he's a hunk, but Meer's voice acting is SO BAD. "I prefer Femshep, mostly for the voice acting."

"Femshep," Jane repeats, swirling the word in her mouth.

"You, in a-"

A simultaneous choir of three familiar voices cuts me off. "What in the actual fuck?"

"Oh, I was just telling Jane and Melia about ourselves-"

"Are you fucking mad?" Aleksandr screams at me. His face was turning beet red. "We had a lovely plan put together. A flawless cover story. And then we finish up, come out here, and you're telling Shepard that we're from the real world and this is a video game?"

"Well, there are self-inserts where people do that," I point out. Like, uh, I don't know any off the top of my head right now.

"Not very many! Think about it. Nobody's going to believe you! And at least most of them have the common decency to at least wait a bit and not reveal everything within the first hour of the first bloody game!"

"I'm sorry!" I reply. Don't cry, Sandra. Hold the tears back.

"All right, we need to contain this charlie-foxtrot right the fuck now," Jason says angrily. "Sandra, exactly what the hell did you tell her?"

"I told her who we are." Here come the tears. I'm turning into a wreck. Damn it! This always happens! "Jason, the soldier who was wounded in Afghanistan-"

"Okay, hold up," Jason interrupts. "First, I'm a Marine, not a soldier. A soldier is an asshole who gets all the nice equipment and still can't accomplish shit. Second, I was wounded in _Iraq_. _Simon_ was wounded in Afghanistan."

I continue. "Kevin, the electronic engineer."

He clears his throat. "Actually, I'm in mechanical engineering now, and I'm not legally allowed to call myself an engineer until I'm certified by APEGBC."

I glare at him and continue. "Aleksandr, British composer and musician."

"And artist and writer," he adds. "Really I do a bit of everything. Creating and all that."

"Finally, Sandra McCarthy, sole proprietor of New York's finest restaurant, the Le Fancie and multimillionaire." I finish.

Kevin winces. "What? You're some waitress at some shitty restaurant. You live in rural Massachusetts. You're on the dole for crying out loud."

"Well, I had to embellish a little," I squeak out.

Kevin yells, "You live day to day and have all of your credit cards racked up! Your family won't help you anymore because you've trashed their credit rating too!"

Aleksandr adds, "Excuse me, what about my embellishment? Couldn't you have made me a composer on the level of Mozart or Bach?"

"Guys, focus," Jane interrupts, leaning over the table.

Aleksandr doesn't stop. "What about where we came from, how we got here? Did you tell her about that too?"

"Yes. We wished upon a chain mail and we ended up here, in a fictional version of the future."

"Oh, that's just bloody brilliant then. Why don't you just outline the entire plot of the entire series and then we can all just piss off-" he waved his arm for emphasis "-and disappear into the background. No story, no adventure, no nothing!"

"What's wrong with enjoying our lives?" I ask.

"Gee, I don't know, how about we don't have any goddamn lives here because this is Mass Effect! Literally the only reason to be here is to join Shepard on her adventures. If she thinks we're bonkers we might as well just walk out that door and leave!"

"What door?" Kevin asks, looking around and trying to find it.

"Hey!" Shepard slams her hands onto the table, and I notice it deformed the plastic. "We're about to arrive at the Citadel. I still have questions, but for now you're going to follow me. Let's see who's lying."

Aleksandr mutters, "Not gonna lie, that doesn't even make any sense."

Jason whispers, "Don't argue. Just take it."


	4. Instigating Saren, Part One

Where was Chapter 2, you ask? It fell in a hole and died. It's a pretty deep hole, too. We still haven't been able to get the body out.

As an aside, constantly switching between US English, UK English, and Canadian English is a pain in the ass.

* * *

**4: Instigating Saren, Part One**  
_**Kevin**_

"You should all come up to the cockpit," Shepard suggests, standing up. "We'll get an excellent view of the Citadel when we arrive."

"Isn't it like, top secret up there?" Aleks asks.

Shepard shrugs. "Eh, it's fine. You've probably already taken pictures of the entire ship and sold them to a third party anyway."

Following her to the stairs, I ask, "Wouldn't that be a reason to detain us further?"

"Probably." We're halfway up now, and Shepard waves her hand in front of the door, which opens.

If the crew deck was a surprise because it was so different, the CIC is a surprise because it's so the same. There's the door to the comm room with the weird guy in front of it, the fancy holographic galaxy map, the tunnel of fire control stations, and the cockpit way at the front.

We form a line and walk through. Several crewmembers salute Shepard as she passes, and she dismissively sloppy-salutes them back.

"We should be dropping out now, Commander." Ah, Seth Green as Joker. Whoever says there's no physical resemblance has obviously never seen a comparison. But the Mass Effect movie is stuck in development hell anyway.

"So, uh, how are we gonna see anything, since there's no windows?" Aleks asks.

Shepard says nothing, but grabs what looks like a remote off one of the consoles, points it at the front of the ship, and presses a button. A projection screen rolls down in front of Joker, and a projector lights up somewhere behind us. It displays the Dell logo for a few seconds before it selects the right input and completes auto-adjustment.

"Dropping out now!" Joker informs us. I feel a slight lurch as we drop out.

The screen is playing... the cutscene from the game. So, that's the Normandy, that's us, and that's the Citadel. What the hell? And there's that epic music, too. I mean, I like the music, but it seems odd to me that there's actual background music playing.

Reusing the cutscene straight up is pretty lazy. You could at least change the viewpoint and rerender the cutscene. I mean, it still has that stuff I couldn't tell if it was film grain or compression artifacts all over it.

"Huh," Shepard remarks. She fiddles with the remote a bit, changes the input to _DisplayPort 1_ and then the video changes to a feed that's presumably coming from the front of the ship. All right then. That's better. But no more epic music.

"Look at the size of that ship!" Ash remarks, pointing at the unwieldly looking thing.

I must say, the Destiny Ascension is more impressive from here. It looks less like it was designed by mentally challenged retards and more like it was designed by showmen... showwomen... showasari.

"That's the Destiny Ascension, is it not?" Aleks asks semi-rheotorically.

"Yeah. The flagship of the Citadel fleet," Kaidan replies. "Not to be confused with the Destiny or the Ascension."

He points to two other ships, one that looks like a pizza wedge that was thrown into someone's backpack at some point and the other that looked like it was built by the UNSC.

"Well, size isn't everything," Joker comments.

"Why so touchy, Joker?" Ash teases.

"I'm just saying, you need firepower, too!"

"Look at that monster! Its main gun could rip through the barriers on any ship in the Alliance fleet!"

Speaking of which, where is the main gun on the Destiny Ascension? Lots of people think it's the centre hole, but that makes no sense because it's far too large and far too short. My theory is that it's in the longer of the four arms, but it's still a retard design.

"Good thing it's on our side, then," Kaidan replies to Ash's comment.

"Yesterday's enemies are today's recruits," Jason mutters.

"No kidding, huh." That was Ash again.

"Citadel Control, this is SSV Normandy," Joker begins, presumably no longer talking to us. Wait, isn't he the pilot? Why is he playing the role of comm officer? "Requesting permission to land."

Something completely alien and unintelligible comes out of the speaker.

"Roger, Alliance tower. Normandy out."

"Aw, shit!" the younger Shepard remarks. Her voice sounds familiar. It sounds kind of like Shepard, but different. More edgy. More gritty. Yet in a way, softer at the same time.

"Hey, who's got a voice that's edgier and grittier than Jennifer Hale?" I ask.

"Liam Neeson?" Jason suggests.

"Well, duh," I reply. "No, I meant, broadly similar, and, you know, female, but edgier and grittier and softer."

"Grittier and softer?" Aleks asked.

I shrug. "Kind of."

Sandra objects, "Guys, I don't think we should be trying to find voice actors for people," but we just ignore her.

Aleks ponders it for a moment. "Laura Bailey."

That sounds right. "Yes! Thank you! Mini-Shepard is voiced by Laura Bailey."

"I have a name, you know," mini-Shepard interrupts.

Jason ignores her. "You sure? I'm not hearing the Boss here."

I argue, "She's got a lot of range, though. She did Julie Farkas and Carrie Boyd in New Vegas."

Aleks asks as a quiet aside, "Laura Bailey is in New Vegas?"

"And Lady Comstock in Bioshock Infinite," I point out.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, listen!" Dear god mini-Shepard, please don't say that ever! "You can't meet the Council dressed like that. We've got to get you some nicer clothes."

"Just do what my sister says," Shepard orders, lightly but frighteningly. "I've got to go get changed too."

"So who wants to go first?" Mini-Shepard asks.

Jason immediately remarks, "First? Is this some kind of fucking fashion bullshit?"

* * *

_**Aleksandr**_

I held up the offered uniform against my current beige trousers and button-up shirt, viewing my own reflection in the wall-mounted mirror. "These are not nicer. This is an Alliance uniform with the patches ripped off."

Melia replied, "Sorry. That's all I could find. It's a pretty small ship."

"It's not even a dress uniform," I pointed out. "It's like, a tee shirt and cargo pants, kind of a charcoal grey colour. I don't see how this is terribly different from what I'm wearing."

"It doesn't look a hundred years out of date. Just put it on."

"Fine. But as soon as we're done your Alliance business, I'm changing back into my old clothes." And buying some new ones. "Now turn around."

"Why?" Melia teased. "I like women, remember?"

"That was Jason, not me!" I retorted. Seriously, why I am getting the blame for that? "Besides, maybe you like both. Just turn around already."

"Fine." She turned around to face the door. I still

I figured I might as well get some information out of her while we were there. I opened with a simple proposition, "I didn't know Shepard had a sister."

"How could you not know that?" she... well, not quite shrieked, but she sounded a touch shocked and annoyed. "Miss Elysium 81? Miss Navy 82?"

"I don't really follow that sort of thing."

"Ah." That sounded a little too understanding-

"No, I'm not queer!" I objected. "I'm just not overly interested in models and that sort of thing. No offence intended."

"I never suggested you were homosexual."

I attempted to change the subject, "So, how old are you?"

"Why do you aks?" Actually, that was a good question. I realized immediately after I said it how bad it sounded.

I replied defensively, "It's necessary exposition."

"Nineteen."

"Is that legal here?" Oh bloody hell, I've dug myself even deeper. "I mean, like, can you join the military and be a- what rank are you?"

"Yes, seventeen is generally legal age for humans, and I'm a Lieutenant."

"A Lieutenant in two years?" I asked. I don't know much about the military. "Is that possible?"

"With great difficulty," Melia replied.

"And Miss Navy?"

"And Miss Navy."

"That's still a thing?"

"That's still a thing."

"I can see how you managed that," I replied. I didn't get an answer.

"Are you done yet?" she asked, annoyed. Did I step over a line?

I turned around and replied, "Actually, I've been done for quite some time now. I was just rather enjoying this expository dialogue."

_**Jason**_

"Look, I don't give a shit about your exposition time," I growl. "Give my the fucking clothes and I'll put them on."

"Don't you at least want to hear about me?" Mini Shepard asks, passing me a stack of clothes anyway.

"Not really."

She ignored me. "My name is Melia Shepard-"

_Melia. I knew a Melia once. She was fearless, charged in head first. Never stood a chance when the-_

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I shout, realizing a second later that I had done it out loud.

Mini Shepard raises her hands, shocked and defensive. "Alright, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."

"Not you," I tell her. "The voices. People I left behind in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Wow, you should seek help."

I laugh. "Help? There's no fucking help. If you're lucky, they'll give you some pills- the wrong pills. Fucking system's a joke."

"You could talk to me," Melia offers gently.

_I think she likes you._

I ignore the voice and brush her off. "What, you the ship's fucking councilor too?"

"Not officially."

"Alright Deanna Troi, what do you want to hear?"

She raises a confused eyebrow at the reference.

_You're not going to talk to her, are you._

Taking advantage of the momentary pause, I reply, "You know what, fuck it. I never said I would answer."

_You're going to have to answer eventually._

_**Kevin**_

"Oh, that felt so good."

Melia stands up, wiping her mouth. "Well, that was fast."

"I am fast," I reply, zipping up my pants and putting my belt back on.

"We should do this again sometime."

_**Sandra**_

"So, how do I look?" I ask, stepping out from behind the privacy screen.

"You look stunning," Melia replies, motioning to the mirror.

I take a look and gasp. The dress is a beautiful silky black. It hugs my curves perfectly. The dress is strapless and cut to expose just a tease of my breasts, with more of my back exposed. As I move, it moves with me, the fabric shimmering slightly as it stretched.

"Gloves." She hands me a pair of matching gloves, which I pull on. These are made of the same material and come up just past my elbows. They stretch effortlessly, and they're so thin it's like I'm not even wearing them.

"Now try the shoes." Melia passes me a pair of six-inch stilettos. They're also black, to match the dress, but made of a synthetic leather. It's not like the synthetics we had before- I wouldn't be able to tell it's fake at all if Melia hadn't told me. I quickly pull them on.

"Let's show the crew."

"Sounds good." I can't wait to see the look on those boys' faces when they see me like this.

Melia opens the door and holds it open for me. I take two wobbly steps in the heels, trip over the hem of my dress, and do a faceplant into the steel deck. "Ow."

I can feel the shoes being pulled off my feet. "You know what, on second thought, I don't think the dress is a good idea. Let me get you something more practical."

I roll over so my face isn't against the cold metal"That would be great, thanks."

_**Jason**_

"Sandra's still in there," Kevin says, pointing out the obvious.

"Eh, she's a girl. It takes them a long time to get changed. Got to pretty themselves up and fucking shit like that."

Aleks glares at me. "You know, I'm not sure if you could be more misogynistic if you tried."

_That was incredibly offensive._

"Hey Kevin, what happened in there?" Him and Mini Shepard were in there a while, and I heard some funny noises. Like, jack shack noises.

"I got changed," he replies, as if stating the obvious.

"Is that what you call it?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"Come on, man, did you fuck?"

"I didn't do anything like that. We didn't even kiss." Kevin protests shiftily. "I don't even know her."

_Something happened in there. But I don't think it's what you're thinking._

We couldn't take anymore, because the door to Mini Shepard's quarters opened and Sandra stepped out.

"How do I look?" she asked, embarrassed. At least, I think that's embarrassment.

"When Melia said she was going to dress you up nice, I thought she meant like a dress or a pantsuit or something," Aleks comments. "Not combat armor."

"Shut up."

"When the bullets start flying, I'm gonna use you as a shield, eh," Aleks jokes. "Maybe I can rest my gun on your shoulder, kind of fire over you and use you as a stand at the same time."

Sandra folds her armored arms. "That's not funny. Don't joke about that."

Aleks tries to make light of the situation. "At least there's no helmet-"

"Actually, it folds out if you press this button," Mini Shepard helpfully informs, pressing a button on Sandra's arm. A helmet unfolds over her head, and she presses the button again, glaring at Mini Shepard.

"I don't want to get into a fight. Not even with this on." She pauses. "I know, I know, it's inviting it now."

"Oh, it's not so bad," I reassure her. "Just moments of stark terror followed by long periods of intense boredom. Oh, and occasionally your buddy dies horribly and it keeps you awake at night."

"You know, Shepard's already halfway to the Council chambers," Joker points out over the intercom, interrupting us.

"Oh, fuck!" I shout, bolting for the airlock. The rest of the group isn't far behind me.

* * *

**La Citadelle**

"This is not the galactic capital. This is an old fort with inscriptions in a dead language."

The cameraman looked around. All he could see was old buildings, tourists, unreadable signs, and an old cannon. "Yeah, I think you're right."

His crew immediately began complaining.

"God damn it! The director's going to be so pissed off."

"Tell me about it."

"I sure as hell hope he doesn't fire us. I'm already on probation."

The cameraman motioned to the riggers. "All right, pack it all up. Wrong address. We're headed back to Hollywood."

* * *

**The Citadel**

"I read the Eden Prime report. I was unimpressed. It was full of spelling and grammatical errors, and you forgot to double-space. But what can you expect from a human?"

"Hey, fuck you, turian doesn't even have punctuation!" Jason shouted, running up behind Shepard. Kevin and Aleks were right behind him. Sandra was nowhere to be found.

"I don't know him," Shepard said, motioning to the Marine. It was only sort of a lie. She turned back to the Council. "Saren despises humanity. That's why he attacked Eden Prime!"

"Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard," Saren retorted. "You're not ready to join the Council. You're not even ready to join the Spectres."

Behind Shepard, the three new arrivals struggled not to laugh.

"He has no right to say that!" Udina protested. "That's not his decision!"

The Asari Councillor turned to Saren. Diplomatically and professionally, she pointed out. "Shepard's admission to the Spectres is not the purpose of this meeting."

"This meeting has no purpose," Saren argued. "The humans are wasting your time, Councillor. And mine."

"Hanging clause," Aleks pointed out.

"What?" Saren asked.

"You used a hanging clause. Grammatical incorrectness and all that."

"I don't think that's what it's called," Kevin pointed out.

"He's a bloody turian!" Aleks jabbed back. "How in the name of God is he going to know that?"

"Who are these people?" Saren asked.

"These are stowaways we found aboard the Normandy," Anderson expositioned. "We believe they came aboard on Eden Prime, but we haven't had time to question them yet."

"How did you get up here, past security?" Udina asked angrily.

Kevin scratched his neck. "That's actually a very good question."

"You can't hide behind the Council forever," Shepard retorted, redirecting everyone's attention to Saren. He did not reply.

"There is one more outstanding issue," Anderson added. "Commander Shepard's vision. It may have been triggered by the vision."

"Are we allowing dreams as evidence now?" Saren asked. "I am absolutely serious. If that is now acceptable, it would be very helpful to me."

"Our judgement must be based on facts and evidence," the Turian Councillor said. "Not wild imaginings and reckless speculation."

"Do you have anything else to add, Commander?" the Salarian Councillor concluded.

"You've made your decision. I won't waste my breath."

The Turian and Asari Councillors shared a look and nodded. The asari said, "The Council has found no evidence of involvement between Saren and the Geth-"

"What a load of fucking bullshit!" Jason shouted, interrupting her.

She glared at him and continued. "Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied."

"I'm glad to see justice was served," Saren said menacingly before his hologram fizzled away.

"This meeting is adjourned," the Asari Councillor finished, and the gathering of humans turned and walked away toward the staircase, dejected. Udina stayed and queued up sad music on his omni-tool.

_**Sandra**_

I can hear that the hearing is over. Everyone else should be coming down the staircase now. Shepard is first, and she stops when she sees me. Kevin, who is right behind her, nearly bowls into her.

"Sandra?" she asks, looking straight at me. Those eyes... boring into me!

I turn away and ask meekly, "Is it safe to come out now?"

"Sandra, what the hell?" Kevin asks. "You were here the whole time?"

"Can we please get this moving?" I beg, standing up. I was going to follow them, but seeing Saren and the Council... it was so intimidating! I didn't think I could face them, so I just sat down here and waited.

"Fine," Shepard replies. I follow her down the staircase, and we form a gaggle at the bottom.

"-to exterminate the entire human race!" Anderson finishes, apparently talking to nobody.

"We were up there," Shepard told him, pointing. "I know. Saren's evil. You talk about it all the time. What's our next step?"

"As a Spectre, he's virtually untouchable," Udina explained redundantly explained. "We need to find some way to expose him."

"What about Garrus?" I suggest. Garrus is my favorite character. He's just so adorable and awesome.

"Who?" Udina asks.

"The C-Sec investigator," Kaidan explains. "We saw him arguing with the executor."

"Hey, wait, Sandra wasn't there," Kevin points out. Aleks hits him in the shoulder.

"What the hell was that for?" Kevin asks, glaring at Aleks.

"That's right. He was asking for more time to finish his report," Ash adds. "Seems like he was close to finding something on Saren."

"Any idea where we could find him?" Shepard asks. Oh boy, more dialog ripped straight from the game!

"I have a contact in C-Sec who could help us track Garrus down," Udina adds helpfully. Helpful Udina... if only he kept doing that instead of being an idiot and a jerk ninety percent of the time. Oh, and a traitor. "His name is Harkin."

"Forget it," Anderson dismisses. "They suspended Harkin last month. Drinking on the job. I won't waste my time with him."

"You won't have to. Shepard will handle this." Poor Anderson kind of gets a raw deal. First he loses his ship, then he becomes councilor... then he loses councilor, then he dies. "I don't want the Council using your past history against us."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna waste my time on him either," Shepard concurs. "Maybe there's another way to find evidence against Saren."

"Barla Von!" I blurt out without thinking.

"Barla Von what?" Aleks asks.

"Barla von Volus. He's an information broker," Anderson explains. "You should talk to him over in the financial district. Rumor has it he's an agent for the Shadow Broker. One of the top representatives, even. Expensive, though. Even more expensive than Sha'ira."

"I should go," Shepard says, concluding the conversation. Oh, if only she knew how many memes and jokes that would spawn.

"I'll be in the Ambassador's office if you need me," Anderson replies. "Good luck, Shepard."

Shepard turns to us. "So, we have two seemingly viable leads. Harkin and Barla von Volus."

"I thought you said you weren't going to waste your time on Harkin?" I ask.

"You're right," Shepard replies, a hint of an evil grin on your face. "That's exactly what I said. You, on the other hand-"

"Oh, hell no."

"Look, I don't know who the hell you are," Shepard says seriously. "I don't know if you're crazy or if you're telling the truth. I don't know what you're capable of. I don't know how much you know, or if it's going to be useful. Basically, I need you to prove yourselves."

"This is not a self-insert cliche at all," Aleks remarks snidely.

"So here's how we're going to do it. You four are going to go investigate Harkin. I'm going to go ask Barla von Volus for information and pay for it with Udina's expense account. After you get some evidence, we can talk."

Before we could object to her stupid crazy plan, she grabbed Ash and Kaidan and made a beeline for the elevator.


	5. Instigating Saren 2 (Side A)

I feel I must mention this because some are overly sensitive to the various potentially offensive jokes that are in this story. I have nothing against the LGBT community or homosexuality in general. Jason may come across as homophobic because he's a Marine and he talks like one. Watch Generation Kill or read some Terminal Lance- military personnel, especially enlisted and especially infantry, talk in a way that most of us find very offensive. Kevin, on the other hand, takes issue with the semantics of the word homophobic, not with homosexuality.

This applies to other groups as well. There will be racist jokes, nerd jokes, jock jokes, Russian jokes, America jokes, anti-corporation jokes, EA=evil jokes, and celebrity jokes. If there's a joke at your expense, chances are I have nothing against you. The characters don't always know they're in a story and they're not going to behave nicely because they think someone is watching. This isn't a very politically correct story and it definitely uses a lot of offensive and exploitative jokes. If you don't like that, either get used to it, find something else to read, or grab a black permanent marker and go over all the parts you don't like.

tl;dr, calm your shit, I don't actually hate you

* * *

**5: Instigating Saren 2: Electric Boogaloo**  
_**Aleks**_

"So... what do we do now?" Sandra asked, voicing the question that was on each one of our minds.

"Well, isn't it obvious? We go find Harkin, find Garrus, save Tali, and indict Saren," I replied.

"That's not a plan, that's a goal!" Kevin objected.

"Seems like a plan to me," Sandra said, shrugging.

"Yeah, that was a plan, a horrible plan, but still a plan," Jason agreed.

"That was definitely a plan," I said. It has steps, it sort of has methods even.

Kevin crosses his arms and grudgingly agrees, "Fine. Nobody ever agrees with me."

"So, we find Harkin?" I ask. I know who Harkin is but I don't know what he did. "Where can we find Harkin?"

Sandra replied, "Chora's Den."

"Chora's Den?" I asked. That sounded familiar, but I've apparently never played the first game so I shouldn't know what that means.

"A gentleman's club on the wards," Sandra recited. Really, it sounded very much like she was reading it out of a book or something. Which is strangely poetic, in a way.

"Gentleman's club?" Kevin asked. "Are we going to have to dress nicely? Because I hate dressing up."

"No. It's just another word for a whorehouse," Jason explained. Ah, bluntness.

Sandra shook her head. "Actually, it's barely a strip club. I don't think the dancers even take off their clothes. What was the line?"

"I'm a dancer, not a hooker," Kevin finished.

"We... really didn't want to know that," I replied. I shook my head to remove the thoughts of a slovenly nerd attempting to dance on a pole.

"No, it's the line!"

"Sure, whatever," Jason dismissed. "Fag."

"Here with the homophobia again," Sandra said disapprovingly.

"Why do people call it homophobia?" Kevin objected. "I know I've said this before, but it makes no sense! We use the word homophobia to describe discrimination or hatred, but the word itself literally means _fear of homosexuality_. We don't call anti-Semitism _jewophobia_!"

"I call it _jew hating_ sometimes," Jason said, shrugging.

"Maybe they hate homosexuals because they're afraid of them," Sandra suggested.

Kevin retorted loudly, "Possibly, but not necessarily! A person might hate homosexuals because of fear or they might hate them for other reasons. Don't you think that linguistic assignment of causation is more than a little presumptuous?"

I sighed. "You know, as enlightening as this discussion is, we should really get going before Shepard solves the case without us."

Sandra smirked. "Follow me. I know the way."

_**Sandra**_

"We're lost," Aleks says.

I reply quickly, "We're not lost."

Kevin agrees with Aleks. "I think we're lost."

I look around. Corridors finished in that whitish-gray material, a few shops with signs I can't read, some doors to various places. There's a roof over our heads, but I can see the sky (if you can call it that) up ahead.

It's not busy, not compared to a big city. There are a few aliens walking by, and a lone keeper in a hole in the floor. A few humans are talking in a corner. It's actually pretty quiet.

"Guys, I know now may not be the best time, but I've got to, you know, go," Kevin interrupts.

"So piss in the corner," Jason suggests.

The mere thought of it is disgusting. "Eww, Jason, that's gross."

He shrugs in response. "As we say in the core, the world is your toilet."

"You can go when we get to Chora's Den," Jason suggests, more seriously.

"Speaking of which, we're still lost," Aleks reminds me. "Perhaps you should ask somebody."

"Alright, fine!" I huff. I grab the nearest person, who turns out to be a very shocked asari. "Are we lost?"

"I meant ask for directions," Aleks clarifies loudly.

A little embarrassed, I let go of the asari and ask her, "How do we get to Chora's Den from here?"

She steps away from me and says angrily, "Check your omni-tool, you crazy bitch!"

"None of us actually have omni-tools," Kevin points out.

Oh yeah. "Right. So much for that idea."

"Wait, if we don't have any future tech how can we understand that asari?" Aleks asks.

The asari turns and shouts, "Actually, I'm speaking English, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

Then I remember something. "Hey! Maybe we can ask Avina!"

"Avina?" Aleks asks.

"Kinda like Cortana," Kevin explains. Not how I would put it, but I kind of see it. "Not the one from the games, the one that comes with Windows Phone."

Oh, okay, that makes more sense. Aleks looks noticeably disappointed.

"I think I see a terminal over there." I point to the glowing purple and immediately begin running. I almost bowl over a salarian and hastily apologize as I push past.

"I don't think that's Avina," Jason points out from behind me, catching up to me. Hey, I can dash pretty fast when suitably motivated.

"Oh. It's a hanar," I note, disappointed. As I speak, the hanar moves out of the way, revealing an Avina terminal behind. "Never mind."

Before I can ask anything, Jason begins flirting with the terminal. "Hey Avina, honey, you wanna come to my place for some fun?"

"I'm sorry UNIDENTIFIED USER, I cannot do that," the VI replies in a flat tone.

"Damn it," Jason replies, feigning disappointment. "Well, how can we get to Chora's Den from here?"

"The venue known as Chora's Den is located in section 31-A on Tayseri Ward. You are currently in section 22-G of Kithoi Ward. Would you like me to summon a free shuttle?"

"Yes, thank you," Aleks replies.

"Please stand by. A shuttle will arrive within an hour," Avina replies.

"All right, that's it, do your logout routine," Aleks orders the VI.

She quickly obliges. "Logging you out. Thank you for using Avina, and have a nice day."

As soon as Avina disappears, Aleks yells, "An hour? You've got to be kidding me!"

"Relax," I reassure him. "We're not in any hurry."

"Actually, we are," Jason points out.

Aleks agrees. "Yeah, we're kind of racing Shepard here."

"Where's Kevin?" I ask, suddenly noticing his absence.

I turn and see him walking toward us. He waves. "Right here. Sorry about that."

"Where were you?"

"I, uh, found a bathroom," Kevin explains to us. "At least, I think it was a bathroom. They didn't seem to like me using it very much, so maybe it wasn't a bathroom. In retrospect, it probably wasn't a bathroom."

"Okay then." I'm trying to forget what he just said. Because that's just nasty.

"Hey, what's that?" I ask, pointing to a dot in the sky. It quickly gets bigger.

Kevin squints at it. "Looks like a shuttle."

I share a look with Aleks. "Our shuttle?"

"Well, she did say within an hour," Aleks replies. It lands in front of us and the door opens. "Guess the place is running ahead of schedule."

_**Kevin**_

One after another, we step out of the shuttle. We form a line, Sandra, Aleks, me, and Jason, and march in unison toward Chora's Den.

"Hey, couldn't we just go straight to the medical clinic and not bother with Chora's Den at all?" Aleks asks.

I stop, and the line falls apart into a gaggle. Huh... I didn't think of that. Why bother talking to Harkin when we know exactly where Garrus is?

But why stop there? We don't even have to meet Garrus. "For that matter, couldn't we skip straight to the alley? Wait for Tali?"

Jason nods his head in response. "That's actually not a bad idea. But screw it, I want to check out the club scene here."

"You're serious?" Sandra asks as Kevin resumes his pace toward the bar and the rest of us rush to keep up.

"Yeah, I'm serious," Jason replies. He waves his hand over the door control panel, and it snaps open.

"Six million miles away from where humans came from and something something men drooling over women something something bars," I misquote. "Not sure if funny, or just sad."

It looks just like the game. In the centre of the room is a circular bar, with, ahem, exotic dancers on poles above it. Arranged around the perimeter of the club are low two- and three-person tables, some recessed into semi-private alcoves. Visible near the rear is a door to the back office where Fist is. Of course, the whole place is finished in the same panelling with bright neon accents as everything else in the future.

"Don't do that ever again," Aleks chides me. "Seriously, you cannot deliver that line. At all."

"Hey there, sweetheart, looking for some fun?" A voice calls. I turn and see that asshole Harkin leering at Sandra. "Cause I gotta say, that soldier getup looks real good on that bod of yours."

Sandra scowls and starts to move, but Aleks holds up his hand and motions her back. He steps forward toward Harkin.

"Harkin, right?" Aleks asks, even though we all know who this guy is.

"That's right. Who the hell are you?"

"My name is Aleks. I'm looking for Garrus Vakarian," Aleks replies smoothly. "I was told you would know where to find him."

"What's he to you?" Harkin asks.

"He's an old friend," Aleks explains vaguely.

Harkin raises an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Funny, he never mentioned any young humans named Aleks."

"It may have something to do with that bottle you're at the bottom of," Aleks snaps, but quickly backtracks. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

Before Harkin can reply, Aleks continues. "Look, it was something that we agreed would stay a personal matter. I wouldn't even be asking if it weren't for the extreme circumstances I have found myself in."

"Extreme circumstances? I wouldn't consider missing my clandestine partner for a week extreme circumstances."

"You have a sick mind," I mutter. Although, to be fair, with that wording Aleks was kind of asking for it.

"You know what, to hell with this," Aleks says, gesturing with his arm. "I just need to find Garrus, and there's a few bottles of Romulan ale in it for you if you can tell me where he is."

"Alright, I can do that," Harkin agrees after a moment of hesitation. "Garrus was sniffing around Doctor Michelle's office. She runs a medical clinic on the other side of this small section of the wards. Now, where's my Romulan ale?"

"Romulan ale's from Star Trek, you dense drunkard," Aleks explains cheerfully. "This is Mass Effect. Therefore, I owe you absolutely nothing. Good day to you, sir."

He turns abruptly and strides toward the exit. We form up behind him and follow him out, completely failing to contain our laughter.

As we leave, I hear quietly, "Two Romulan ale. On the rocks."

Then: "Two Romulan ale on ice, coming right up."

_**Jason**_

I'm in front when we step into the clinic. Sandra's on my right, Kevin on my left and Aleks is on my six. The room looks and smells medical. It's divided in two by a partial wall with a large opening. On our side there's nothing but a few crates. On the other side is more crates, a few beds, a medi-gel dispenser, and the thugs with Michelle as a hostage. A turian is sneaking around the edge of the half-wall. That's Garrus Vakarian.

"I didn't tell anyone, I swear!" Michelle protests to the thug standing in front of her. I count one of his buddies right beside him and one behind a curtain, with maybe another one or two hidden.

"That's smart of you, doctor," the thug warns. "Now if Garrus comes around, you stay smart."

Aleks looks like he's about to do something, so I motion him down and signal to the crates to our left. Our group starts moving, but we're not fast enough.

"Keep your mouth shut or- who are you?" Before we can do anything, the thug whips around, arm around Michelle and gun pointed at us.

"Get down!" I order instinctively, diving for the relative safety of the half wall. Now I'm within striking distance of the thug. But he's got a gun-

Boom. There's a gunshot, not like an AK or an M4 or a nine mil or anything familiar but definitely a gunshot, and I can't see it but I know his head just exploded. That was Garrus.

Michelle screams, and I reach over the barrier and pull her over. She lands in a crumpled heap beside me. Good enough.

"Stay down," I tell her, and peek over the edge. The thugs back away, and Garrus shoots each one several times center mass with brutal efficiency. Three down in thirty seconds.

"Well, that's not exactly how I remember it," Kevin comments from behind me. I don't reply, just stand up. Beside me, Michelle stands up and runs toward Garrus. Alright, if turians are your thing, I'm fine with that. It's kinda pervy, but hey, maybe it works. I'm not from a freaky future.

"Are you Garrus Vakarian?" Aleks calls. I can tell he's shaken, though he's doing his best to hide it. Doing pretty good for a high school kid, and a Brit at that.

I'm joking, of course. About the Brit part anyway. Squaddies are great.

Garrus replies in complete and utter gibberish. Some of it sounds like a language, some of it is clicking and coughing and shit like that.

"What the fuck did you just say?" I ask.

He repeats what sounds like the same shit.

"Uh, we don't have translators," Sandra explains.

"Garrus said that your timing was bad and that you could have been killed. You should not interfere in police business." Michelle's English is accented- French?- but I can actually understand it.

Garrus made more of that horrid not a language shit and Michel translated, "He also says that off the record, your timing was perfect and allowed him an opportunity."

"So, what happened?" I ask.

"It's between myself, Garrus, and the proper authorities," Michelle immediately dismisses.

"We're investigating Saren," Aleks explains. Garrus seems to perk up a bit at that, but it's not like I know how to read fucking turian facial expressions. "Pursuing a lead for Commander Shepard. We think he was involved in the attack on Eden Prime."

Garrus makes a noise. Is that turian laughing or is he getting pissed off?

"He doesn't believe you," Michelle explains. Then, after a pause, she adds, "Neither do I."

"Can you at least tell us who those people were?" Aleks asks.

Garrus shakes his head. I guess that's pretty universal.

"It's not like it matters, really," Aleks points out. "Clearly the people who were not supposed to know about this already know, or there wouldn't be dead bodies on the floor. So I don't think it really matters whether you tell us or not."

Before Aleks is even finished his speech, Garrus says something to Michelle... if you can call that shit speech. She nods and explains, "Those men worked for Fist. They wanted to shut me up, keep me from telling Garrus about the quarian."

"Quarian?" Aleks asks. "Who is this quarian?"

"It's Tali," Kevin says.

"I highly doubt that," Aleks replies skeptically.

"No, it is, it's Tali," Sandra confirms.

Garrus says something to Michelle, almost excitedly. "He would like to talk to Shepard about it."

"Fine with us," Aleks replies. "I'm sure she'll be happy to have you on the team."

Michelle says, "I think he was hoping you could contact Shepard for him."

Aleks waves dismissively. "Don't have an omni-tool. Even if I did, I don't have her number. Sorry, you're going to have to do it yourself. But thank you for the information."

Garrus made some more shit speech, and Michelle translated again, "He also says not to do anything stupid."

"Don't plan on it," I reply, leading my group out of the clinic.

"Please don't tell me we're actually going to try to get Fist," Kevin protests immediately after the door shuts.

"That's what I was thinking," I reply.

Aleks agrees with Kevin. "Are you daft?"

"This is crazy," Sandra says.

"Actually, we have an important advantage," I point out. "They aren't expecting us. We're not military investigators. We're just a bunch of lost civvies."

"We also have a lot of important disadvantages," Aleks retorts. "Such as, except for Sandra, not having any armor, none of us having any sort of weapons-"

"Actually, I've got a knife," Kevin interrupts. "Granted, it's a very small and useless knife meant for opening boxes, but technically it can be used as a weapon."

"I was carrying when we got here and I never stopped," I point out.

Aleks waves his arm. "I have a biro, which I suppose that I could stab someone with if I absolutely had to. Shepard's squad has, like, a bunch of guns, and they know how to use them."

What the hell is a biro? Is that some kind of Brit knife? Maybe a fancy word for letter opener?

"We don't have to fight," Kevin points out.

"Finally someone gets it," I reply. "We can just knock on the door and demand to see the manager. For some bullshit, I dunno, outstanding tabs or something like that."

"This is if there are even mercs there expecting company," Kevin adds. "They're probably not even there. Remember, Fist wanted to intercept Shepard."

"See?" I say. "The plan doesn't even involve shooting. So who's with me?"

"I am," Aleks says, "Reluctantly."

"Hey, I came up with the plan," Kevin agrees.

"I suppose I'll go with it," Sandra agrees.

"Great. Let's do this." We're just outside Chora's Den now, so I wave my hand over the control thing. The door slides open and we step inside.

I hear a gunshot and immediate impact on the wall behind me. Right away I dive for the relative safety of the entryway barrier. What the fuck it's for I don't know but I'm not complaining.

"So much for that bloody plan!" Aleks shouts, knocking over a table and taking cover behind it.

I hear an ear-piercing scream from behind me. That's Sandra. Kevin, who's behind the doorframe, pulls her behind the doorframe. So they're in cover too now.

I reach under my shirt to my waistband and draw my Glock. Granted, this isn't exactly why I carry it, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than nothing.

A Glock 27 is a striker-fired, polymer subcompact handgun chambered in .40S&W. It's a good little piece, but it's fairly limited. The grip is crap, the sight radius is short, and the mags only hold nine rounds. Realistically, it's good for minute-of-bad-guy out to about twenty or thirty yards, maybe twice that on a good day. It's not a combat gun. It's a defensive gun for situations where you're against an unarmed or lightly armed attacker and you need to defend yourself.

This is not one of those situations. This is a gun battle. I rack the slide, chambering a round and cocking the striker.

I count five hostiles visible. Thugs like the ones in the clinic, normal future clothes, armed with big pistols. Two firmly in cover behind the bar. Two partially concealed behind partitions, one right side, one left side. One brave idiot is in the open, moving toward us for the kill. I line up the sights and squeeze the trigger.

He's unshielded, unarmored, and my now centuries old Glock kills him just as dead as a Mass Effect pistol would have. My first shot goes wide, but at least two of the next three hit, one in the chest and one in the neck. I'm using hollowpoints, not ball ammo, and he drops instantly.

"You have a gun?" Aleks shouts from behind the table.

"I said I was carrying!" I shout back.

"I thought you meant a knife!" he shouts back. If I had time to process it I would have remembered that concealed carry doesn't exist in Britain.

The dead guy is closer to us than the other hostiles, and he dropped his gun maybe halfway between us and the bar. "Sandra, grab the gun!"

"Why me?" she shouts.

One of the thugs is taking potshots, and I fire three rounds into the wall next to him. I was aiming for him, but the bastard moved. "You've got armor, we don't."

I pull the trigger two more times and hit that bastard in the arm. He screams like a girl and drops his gun. The slide on my gun locks back and I drop the mag out, pull another one out from my pocket, slam it back in and slingshot the slide. "Go, damn it, go! I'll cover you!"

I duck back under the barrier, because now these assholes know I'm armed and they're firing like crazy at me. They're just dumping rounds, but they've got unlimited ammo and I don't.

"Sandra, move your ass!" I shout. On my right, one of the thugs is running toward Aleks, out of cover but covered by his two buddies.

I can't get a shot from where I am. "Aleks, one tango, about to be right on top of you."

"Oh shit!" Aleks shouts. The thug has his gun pointed at Aleks, but he grabs the arm and the thug fires the gun uselessly into the ground. Aleks' other hand is digging frantically through his pocket until he finally pulls out a pen and drives it through the thug's hand.

I guess he couldn't find his biro. Whatever that is.

The thug screams and drops his gun right into Aleks' lap. I now have a clear shot at the thug, and I put four bullets into him before he can try anything.

"Thanks," Aleks thanks. He picks up the gun. Awkward as shit, I can tell he never handled a pistol before, and it's not just because he swept me with his finger on the trigger and the safety probably off.

Two thugs dead, one down. I count three left. One behind the other side of the bar and two on the left, behind partitions. Aleks decides to shoot at the guy behind the bar, and fires haphazardly, smashing bottles and putting holes in the paneling without actually hitting who he was aiming at.

"Do you know what you're doing?" I fire two shots at one of the thugs on the left, miss both times, and the slide locks back on an empty magazine.

"No! This is my first time firing a gun!" Aleks shouts back, still firing.

"That's just great!" I pull out another magazine- my last one. Three thugs, nine rounds. Three each. Gotta make these ones count.

"Hey, I got him!" Aleks shouts. I sneak a glance and sure enough the thug is bleeding all over the bar.

I can't get a shot from where I am. "Aleks, cover me!"

Amazingly enough, the British kid obliges, firing his pistol more or less randomly over my head as I dive for the bar.

From there, I have a clear shot at one of the thugs. I pull the trigger twice for one neck hit and one perfect headshot. The other guy decides that he's had enough and tries to run, but one of Aleks' random shots hits him in the leg and he keels over.

"Did we do it?" Kevin asks from way behind us.

"No, no we did not!" Aleks shouts, frantically pointing at the walking tank that is a Krogan that just emerged from the back room. Holy shit, those things are a lot more terrifying in person.

He doesn't bother with cover. I empty the rest of my magazine into him. He doesn't even fucking notice.

"Damn it, I'm out!" I shout. Aleks is still shooting, but it doesn't look like it's doing anything but tickling.

"I think we should run," Aleks suggests.

I think he's right. "Everyone, fall back!"


	6. Instigating Saren 2 (Side B)

I don't own Bioware. I do, however, own Bethesda. We're planning on making our own knockoff of Mass Effect. It's going to be way better, too, because our dev team is composed of legends. The guy behind The Elder Scrolls, part of the Black Isle team, the guy who did The Old Republic, and, uh, we're going to hire other guys from other studios too. And, of course, we've got John Carmack. That guy basically invented the first person shooter.

Wait, we don't have John Carmack anymore? He works for Facebook now? Damn it! Okay, plan B, guys! Get the gasoline! Burn it! Burn it all!

* * *

**6: Instigating Saren 2: Electric Boogaloo**  
_**Shepard**_

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Commander?" Williams asked as the elevator descended back toward the Presidium ring.

"Not really," I replied, shrugging. "But I'd love to see the look on that smug bastard Udina's face after I drain his expense account."

"That's not what I was talking about, Commander. I was thinking about those civvies you sent after Harkin."

"They'll be fine," I replied. "Besides, if they get into trouble, they can always just call C-Sec."

"I still don't think it's a good idea."

"Your objection is noted, Chief," I snap. Okay, Jane, that was a bit mean. "Look, for now, this keeps them busy, maybe even useful, and out of our way."

"Commander, why are you letting them help us at all?" Alenko asked. Fine, take her side. "I mean, no disrespect, but they're nobodies."

That's a good question. So far, the secret was between myself, Melia, and Captain Anderson. Not that it's a very good answer. "It's classified."

Williams objected, "Classified... don't tell me they're spooks!"

_Go ahead and think that, Williams._ I stepped out of the elevator and repeated, "It's classified."

I led my team over to the nearest public shuttle, entered the Financial District as the destination, and we crawled inside.

Thirty seconds later, the shuttle landed and we crawled out. We walked the five or so steps to Barla von Volus's office. The door opened and we stepped inside.

"Excuse me, are you Barla von Volus?" I asked the short fat volus behind the desk.

"My name is Barla Von and I am a Volus," the volus replied between breaths. "What can I do for you, Earth-clan?"

"We're looking for some dirt on Saren, Mister von Volus," I replied smoothly.

"That is not my name," he spat.

"I'm sorry, what is your name then?"

"It is just Barla Von."

"That's missing a name," I point out.

Williams backed me up. "I agree with the Commander."

So did Alenko. "Honestly, it just seems like something is missing."

"Why does everyone seem to think that my name is incomplete?"

I wave my hand dismissively. "You know what, nevermind. I have a credit chit linked to Ambassador Udina's expense account. We're willing to pay whatever is necessary for a suitable lead."

"You're very blunt, Shepard," von Volus replied, suddenly falling back to the actual script. "But you're right. I am an agent for the Shadow Broker. And I do know something about Saren."

I decided to do the same. "I hear your information can be expensive."

"Normally, this information would cost a small fortune." Uh oh. I don't like where this is going. Maybe I can order Williams to do it? "But these are exceptional circumstances, so I am going to give it to you for free."

"What's the catch?" Williams asked.

"There is no catch," von Volus assured us. "The Shadow Broker is quite upset with Saren right now. They used to do a lot of business until Saren turned on him."

I replied sarcastically, "Saren betrayed him. Imagine that."

"No matter what you think of Saren, he's not stupid. He knows the Shadow Broker is a valuable ally. Turning on him doesn't make sense. Not unless something huge was at stake. I don't know the details, but the Shadow Broker hired a freelancer to deal with it. A krogan mercenary."

"How do I find him?"

"I heard he was paying Citadel Security a visit. If you hurry you can probably catch him before he leaves the C-Sec Academy."

"I should go," I replied, ending the conversation.

"Goodbye, Commander," von Volus said in a somewhat creepy voice as we left the office.

"So, we didn't need to use Udina's credit chit-"

"Which you stole," Alenko interrupted.

"I borrowed it," I corrected him. "For mission-critical purposes."

"Then you can return it now, since we don't need it anymore."

I stopped and glared at him. "Alenko, who's the Commander here?"

"You are, ma'am."

"Exactly," I replied. "Now I've got fifty thousand creds burning a hole in my pocket. Do you know what that means."

"Shopping?" Williams suggested.

I shifted my glare to her. "No."

* * *

"This one or this one? What do you think, Chief?" I hold up the two sets or armour, one in each hand. "White with bubblegum pink accents or charcoal grey and blue?"

"What happened to not going shopping?" Williams asked, arching an eyebrow.

"This isn't _shopping_," I replied, putting down the suits, which were starting to get heavy. "This is _resupplying_."

She shrugged. "I think you should get the camouflage one."

"That's the one I wanted, but they only have these two sets," I replied, sharing her disappointment. I tossed her a datapad. "The catalogue is tiny."

She took one look and frowned before handing it back. "That's the weekly flyer."

I looked at it. Huh. "Well that explains a lot. I figured you'd be able to buy more than two different kinds of armour in the capital of the galaxy."

I waved at the hanar merchant. "Hey, Delan! Three sets of Scorpion armour, human, one light, one medium, one heavy."

* * *

After waiting an hour in the elevator, we finally arrived at C-Sec Academy. As soon as the doors opened, we practically ran out of the elevator.

Why is it called the "Academy" when it seems like just another police station? Is it like a teaching hospital but for cops or does the word have some other meaning I'm not aware of?

There's only one Krogan around, in the corner of the room. There are two fully armoured turian C-Sec officers carrying assault rifles guarding him, and one human officer talking to him.

"Witnesses saw you making threats in Fist's bar," the human officer began, carefully avoiding the krogan's gaze. "Stay away from him."

"I don't take orders from you," the krogan replied in a deep, powerful voice.

"This is your only warning, Wrex!"

Oh, so that's Wrex! I imagined him being less old and scarred. I waved and shouted, "Hey, Wrex!"

"Go on, get out of here!" the C-Sec officer warned as Wrex ambled toward us. Wait, was he talking to us or Wrex?

"Yes, human?" Wrex asked, standing right in front of me. Krogan are big. Really big. He stood a big krogan head over me and probably weighed ten times I did.

I cut to the chase. "I'm trying to bring down Saren. von Volus said to talk to you."

"von Volus is a wise man... uh, volus," Wrex replied. Then he muttered something about a common goal.

"What common goal would that be?"

"I've been hired to kill the owner of Chora's Den, a man named Fist," Wrex explained. "He did something very foolish."

"He betrayed the Shadow Broker," I said.

"No. He put the roll of toilet paper in backwards."

"I'm actually not sure if you're serious or not."

"Does it matter?"

Wrex shrugged. I could feel the floor shake when he did that. "I suppose not. Anyway, a quarian showed up on the Citadel. She was on the run. She wanted to trade information for a safe place to hide, so she went to Fist."

"Well, that was stupid," Williams commented from behind us. "I mean, his name is _Fist_. That just screams trustworthy right there."

Wrex ignored her and continued. "He promised to arrange a meeting between her and the Shadow Broker. Instead, he contacted Saren."

"What does Saren have to do with it?"

"Well, the quarian has something that connects Saren to the geth. He paid Fist a small fortune for her."

"If we get our hands on that evidence, we can prove that Saren's a traitor," Alenko added audaciously. "The Council will have to listen!"

"Alenko, shut up," I snapped, glaring at him.

"Yes, ma'am."

I turned back to Wrex. "Where's the quarian now?"

"Last I heard, Fist still had her, probably somewhere inside his club," he explained. "You help me kill Fist, she's all yours."

"All right, let's go."

"Commander, is it really acceptable to help a mercenary kill a man?"

"Alenko, shut up!" I snapped again. "Don't make me duct tape your mouth shut!"

"Why do you keep telling me to shut up?" he whimpered.

"Because you're irritating, Alenko. Learn to make better comments and stop being such a goody two-shoes."

"So, do we have a deal?" Wrex rumbled.

I took his massive hand in my comparatively tiny one. "Yeah. You've got it."

* * *

"Commander Shepard!" a turian voice called as we walked through the wards.

I turned to the source of the sound. "Officer Vakarian."

"Looks like we didn't have to look for him. He found us."

"Thanks for stating the blatantly obvious, Williams," I said sarcastically.

"Anytime, Commander," she replied, matching my tone.

"What are you looking for, Officer Vakarian?" I asked the turian C-Sec officer. "I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'd prefer if you kept it quick."

"I have a potential lead on Saren," he replied. "And please, Garrus is fine."

"It's a quarian, isn't it?" Wrex rumbled from behind us. "Betrayed by Fist."

"That's right," Garrus confirmed, a bit suspicious.

He added, "I wouldn't have even thought to bring it to you if it weren't for a group of humans that walked in on me. They had pretty good timing, too. Gave me a distraction and a clear shot."

Did those idiots actually manage to get somewhere? "This group of humans. Was it an ex-military guy, a male British student, a male American student with glasses, and a clumsy young lady in ill-fitting armour?"

"Come to think of it, yes." After a pause, Garrus added, "Wait, they were working for you?"

"More or less," I replied quickly. Mostly less.

"You don't think they were stupid enough to try anything, do you?"

I pondered it briefly before replying, "No. They would have called instead."

"They said they didn't have omni-tools or translators," Garrus said, still worried.

"I'm sure they could figure out a public terminal," I dismissed. "Join the team, Garrus. This is your investigation, after all."

"Sure, I-" A single gunshot, followed by three louder ones and a barrage of gunfire interrupted him. The sounds seemed to be coming from... exactly where we needed to be going.

"Chora's Den, double time, now!" I ordered, breaking into a sprint. I slammed my palm into the holographic door control, and the door slid open.

Not fast enough for Wrex, who bowled through the opening door, smashing it to pieces. The rest of us were right behind him.

It was reasonably peaceful outside Chora's Den, except for the sounds of battle and the armed men visible through the open door. Sandra and the kid with the glasses were huddled together against the wall to the left of the door frame. I assumed that the other two were inside, probably having holes shot in them.

As I grabbed my rifle, I muttered, "You have got to be fucking kidding me."


	7. Instigating Saren Part 33 and a third

Yes, I know I jump from past to present tense. I try to keep it consistent between viewpoints: Aleks is always in past tense, Jason, Kevin and Sandra are all present tense. I'm still experimenting with Shepard.

I was actually worried about having enough content for this chapter, but it worked out to actually the longest chapter so far.

* * *

**7: Instigating Saren 33 1/3**  
_**Aleks**_

"Aleks, run!" Jason shouted at me. He was already at the door.

I couldn't move. It's not a physical thing, though it certainly felt like it. There was a krogan coming toward me and he was going to rip me to very small pieces but I couldn't move. It shouldn't have been more terrifying, but some part of my brain decided that the spot behind the table was a safer place to be.

"Damn it, Aleks, you need to move now or you're dead!"

I would say that my life flashed before my eyes, that I didn't want to die, that I had so much to live for and my family would miss me dearly. And it did, for a brief moment. For a brief moment I was terrified and horribly sad that I was about to be killed.

"Aleks, toss me the gun! Toss me the goddamn gun!"

I wanted to. I really wanted to throw the pistol over to Jason. That would give us a fighting chance. But I couldn't do it. The pistol fell from my hands and clattered to the floor.

"Fuck!"

I heard a deafening roar, quite clearly that of a krogan, and I closed my eyes. There were sounds of struggle, a loud impact, maybe a smashed table, then a single shotgun blast.

I opened my eyes and looked down. Surprisingly, my chest was not blown out. I feel a bit wet down below, and I'm actually relieved when I find out what it is. Not blood. I'm not dead.

Wordlessly, I stumbled over to the bar and searched for a non-broken bottle. The first one I grab is this fancy curvy thing with alien letters all over it. I opened the cap and guzzled it back. The drink burned, but I barely felt it. It was sweet, but I didn't taste it.

I tried to ignore the man I shot dead three metres away on the bar.

_**Jason**_

"Is he going to be alright?" Shepard asks, motioning to Aleks.

"It's the first time. It's hard," I reply, and she nods agreement. "Do what you've got to do. I'll talk to him."

Shepard takes her team to do their thing, and I sit down beside Aleks. He's staring straight ahead, still trying to drink from an empty bottle. I've seen that look before. "Aleks. Hey, Aleks!"

"I was shot at. I killed a man. I almost died," he replies, matter-of-factly but voice trembling.

"That's what combat is like," I reply. "Someone's trying to kill you. It's him or you. You've got to act, you've got to kill or be killed."

"I..." he trails off.

"Look, this isn't the time, Aleks," I say as gently as possible... which is not very. "We're not done yet. We've got a quarian to save. You need to get up, pick up that gun and move."

"Wha..."

"Aleks, I've been there. I didn't have the luxury of sitting down, having a drink right then and there. I had to keep moving and I had to deal with it later. And I kept moving, and I kept going, and I dealt with it later."

"What, you want me to just forget?" He turns to look at me, rage burning in his eyes. I think.

"No, you don't just forget," I reply, choosing my words carefully. "You push it to the back of your mind, save it for later. Right now you don't have time to ponder. You've got to push on and keep going."

He doesn't reply, so I add, "Aleks, whatever you think, you did good. Now you've got to keep doing good until this is over. Then you can ponder. Not now. Later."

"Later?"

I nod. "Yeah. Right now, we go save that quarian. Later, you can talk it out with me, talk it out with a shrink, get an asari hooker, get hammered, whatever the fuck you want. Right now, we go save that quarian."

"Save that quarian?"

I hand him the pistol, grip first. "You can do this."

"I can do this," he replies, taking it.

"Hey, we're not done back here!" Shepard shouts from the back room. Three very scared men run out of the room, then the sound of gunfire erupts from the room.

Aleks starts moving toward the back, but I stop him. "Shepard's got it covered."

Kevin's already picked up a pistol. I ask him, "Do you know how to use that?"

"In theory," he replies. He's keeping it pointed at the floor and his finger's off the trigger, so I leave him alone.

I pick up a pistol from one of the dead thugs and offer it to Sandra.

"I don't like guns," she says, pushing it away.

"You gonna fight with your fists?" I ask her.

Reluctantly, she takes it. Then she sweeps me and Kevin with her finger on the trigger.

I grab her arm and point it to the floor. "Hey, point it in a safe direction. Finger off the trigger until you're ready to shoot."

"I'm sorry," she replies sheepishly. "This is why I shouldn't have guns."

"You're fine. Just remember those two rules and you'll be okay."

I'm about to grab the least bloody pistol left on the floor when I spot something better. I pick up the shotgun and rack it. Action seems to be okay, though I have no idea if it's anything like a normal shotgun.

"We're still not done yet!" Shepard shouts from the back room. There's a single shotgun blast, and she corrects herself. "Now we're done."

"Hey, aren't there supposed to be more thugs right about now?" Kevin mentions.

I glare at him. "Don't jinx it."

Shepard steps out of the back room, the rest of her squad behind her. I notice that Wrex has more than a little bit of blood on him. Shepard nods at us. "Let's get that quarian."

* * *

_**Shepard**_

"I count two salarians, a turian... and our quarian," Garrus reported.

I nodded and ordered, "Move to cover. Quick and quiet."

Then I turned to the civvies. "You four just stay out of the way."

"But-" the girl began to complain.

"We'll watch her six... their six. Just in case there's more thugs," the big guy assuaged. Works for me.

I turned my attention back to the scene in front of us. Drawing my rifle, I crept up and took cover behind a crate. Garrus was behind us, Wrex on my left, and Williams and Alenko behind a crate ahead of me. The quarian was maybe ten metres away, and surrounded by two salarians and a turian. All were fully armoured and carried either a pistol or an assault rifle.

I brought up my omni-tool and activated the audio booster.

"Did you bring it?" the turian asked.

"Where's the Shadow Broker?" the quarian asked, suspicious. Maybe she's smarter than I thought. "Where's Fist?"

"They'll be here," the turian assured her, feeling her up. "Where's the evidence?"

The quarian slapped his hand away. "No way. The deal's off."

The turian motioned to the salarians. Before they could do anything, the quarian dove to the side and one of the salarian's pistols exploded. Sabotage? Tech mine?

Combat is loud. Really loud. I quickly deactivated the audio booster and shouldered my rifle. I managed to get three shots off at one of the salarians before the battle was over. Garrus put a round straight through his fellow turian's head, Williams shredded the defenseless salarian and Wrex tore apart the other one. Alenko didn't get to do anything at all.

"Well, that was remarkably anticlimactic," the big guy commented from behind us. "Area clear?"

"Area clear!" I reply, and the four appear over the top of the staircase.

"Fist set me up!" the quarian shouted angrily. Okay, definitely a she, unless quarians are way different than us. Those exaggerated curves, that unplacably accented voice... no, no mind wandering. "I knew I couldn't trust him!"

"Were you hurt in the fight?"

"I know how to look after myself," she reassured us. "Not that I don't appreciate the help. Who are you?"

"My name's Shepard. I'm looking for evidence-"

"-to prove Shepard's a traitor," the nerdy kid finished.

The quarian looked at us oddly before continuing, "Then I have a chance-"

"-to repay you for saving my life," the nerdy kid finished again.

She glared at him. "But not here. I need to go-"

"-to the bathroom," the nerdy kid finished. Seeing our odd looks, he answered, "What? She was going to say "to somewhere safe", I mean, that's obvious even if you don't know the lines. Super cliched. I was just making things a little more entertaining."

"Please don't," I told him.

"The ambassador's office!" Alenko suggested. "It's safe-"

"Alenko, shut up!" I shouted.

* * *

_**Sandra**_

We ended up at the ambassador's office anyway. Oh, and in the long elevator ride Shepard gave us these weird little earpiece things turned out to be translators. She explained how to use them, which is pretty simple actually. You basically just have conversations like normal and everything is automatic and natural. Even the lip sync, somehow.

"You're not making my life easier, Shepard," Udina whines. "Firefights in the wards, an all out assault on Chora's Den, do you know how many calls I'm going to have to make?"

"She also found evidence," I mention. He doesn't care, because he's Ambassador Udina: number one jerk and pain in the you know where in the whole series.

Then he notices Tali. "Who's this? A Quarian?"

"Racist," I mutter.

"Racist, but no unusually so," Kevin whispers. "Everyone hates the Quarians."

"Everyone hates the people that lost their homeworld?"

"Yeah, but it's easier to dismiss them than to deal with them. Welcome to realpolitik." Ugh. Politics. I don't even want to think about it.

"Shepard, why are these civilians still here?" Udina asks. Of course that jerk is going to try to cut us out.

"These civilians were instrumental in the investigation," Shepard winks at us. I know she's just doing this to spite Udina, but it feels all warm and fuzzy the same. "They were an invaluable addition to my team."

"Shepard, what the hell were you doing?" Udina exclaims.

"You wanted evidence, this is it." Shepard motions for Tali to begin.

"You'd better start at the beginning, miss..."

"My name is Zorah. Tali'Zorah. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy vas Neema nar Rayya. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy vas Neema nar Rayya sar Rael'Zorah vas Rayya nar Salyut sel Veya'Jarva vas Rayya nar Ilasi dal Hatar Khela ver Sar'ley Quaria."

Everyone's favorite Quarian! Except maybe for Kal'Reegar. He's so awesome.

"We don't see many Quarians here," Udina interrupts. "Why did you leave the flotilla?"

"For my pilgrimage?" Tali replies questioningly. "You know, the one all Quarians do? How do you not know these things? You are representative of humanity to the galaxy!"

"Tali, I think this is exposition," Shepard tells her. "Just explain it."

"The pilgrimage is the Quarian rite of passage into adulthood. When we reach maturity, we leave the ships of our parents and our people behind. Alone, or sometimes with other Quarians on their pilgrimage, we search the stars, only returning to the flotilla once we have discovered something of value. In this way, we prove ourselves worthy of adulthood. The-"

Shepard stops her. "Okay, that's enough backstory for now. What kind of evidence did you find? How did you get it?"

Tali replies, "During my travels, I began hearing reports of Geth. As you know, since they drove my people out of exile, the Geth have never ventured outside the veil. I was curious."

"Go on."

"I tracked a patrol of Geth to an uncharted world. I waited for one to become separated from its unit. Then I disabled it and removed its memory core."

"Wait, when did you do this?" Ash interrupts. Stupid racist. "Because it's been maybe a day or two since we left Eden Prime. So you must have made it from there to here, got shot, went to the clinic, set up the deal, and been ambushed in the space of about twenty-four hours."

Tali glares at her through her mask for a moment before she continues. "Most of the core was wiped clean, but I salvaged something from its audio banks."

"Baby, baby..." Ew, it's Justin Bieber. Everyone around me cringes in discust, horror, and pain.

Tali quickly shuts it off. "Oh, wait, that's my music collection. Sorry, I'm kind of disorganized right now. I have two drives installed and I'm still moving everything over. Ah, here it is."

"Eden Prime was a major victory!" Saren's voice proclaims. "The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit."

"That's Saren's voice!" Captain Anderson practically shouts. "This circumstantial, inconclusive, and easily forged evidence proves irrefutably that he was working with the Geth!"

"There's more, if you're willing to be patient," Tali chides before resuming the recording.

"And one step closer to the return of the Reapers." And that's Matriarch Benezia!

"I don't recognize that other voice, the one talking about Reapers," Udina says. Of course you don't, you're a jerk and an idiot and you know nothing!

"I do!" Kevin exclaims. "It's Marina Sirtis!"

The alien future people give him odd looks, so he quickly explains, "You know, Deanna Troi from TNG? She did other roles, too, like Matriarch Benezia in Mass Effect and the new Mossad Director on NCIS."

"Reapers," Shepard mutters, ignoring Kevin. "I feel like I've heard that name before."

Tali explains, "According to the memory core, Reapers were a hyper-advanced machine race that existed fifty thousand years ago. The Reapers hunted the Protheans to total extinction and then they vanished! At least, that's what the Geth believe."

"Sounds a little far-fetched," Udina dismisses.

At that moment, I lose it. "Of course it sounds far-fetched to you, because it means more calls and paperwork and it eats up your worthless time! Maybe if you listened to important things instead of worrying about how to look good or whatever it is you do here the galaxy wouldn't end horribly and we could actually win and stuff. So take that you, uh, you, uh, you jerk!"

"Stand down, Williams!" Shepard snaps.

"That's not me, Commander," the Chief says, annoyed. "Why do you always blame me?"

"Can we please just continue?" Garrus... pleads? That sounds like a pleading tone. Garrus pleading, now that just doesn't seem right for some reason. But maybe it's just my translator.

"The Geth are working with Saren to bring back the Reapers, who wiped out the Protheans fifty thousand years ago, because they believe they're some kind of machine god, and we need to find this Conduit so we don't all die," I summarize.

"We need to present this to the Council right away!" Udina exclaims.

"Oh, of course _now_ you want to present it!"

"Sandra!" What?

To her credit, Ash owns up right away. "That one actually was me."

"So, is Tali joining us?" I ask.

Shepard shrugs. "It depends. What about your pilgrimage?"

"The pilgrimage demonstrates that we are able to put the greater good ahead of ourselves. What kind of Quarian would I be if I turned down the opportunity to save the galaxy and be part of the main cast of all three games?"

"Welcome aboard, Miss Zorah. Now, let's go present that evidence."

"Wait! Anderson and I have to make preparations!" Udina protests.

"What, do you plug in the projector?" me and Ash quip at the same time. I high-five her and immediately regret it. She's a lot stronger than I am, and my hand hurts even though I'm wearing armored gloves.

* * *

_**Kevin**_

This place is nice. I mean, really nice. I'm actually not sure how this structure is oriented in relation to the rest of the Citadel. The windows give a good view of the stars, but you can't see any part of the station. The ceiling is extremely high, and there are plenty of balconies and terraces overlooking the main chamber. I think there's a level below us, too, but I'm not sure.

In addition to being a total deathtrap in the event of attack, this place must have been insanely expensive to build. I mean, live plants, in space. You want to generate oxygen, you don't use trees. That's what algae and grasses are for. I would say "bleed it out of the peasants", but I know that this entire place was built as a trap by an ancient race of genocidal machines and maintained by a different race of effective automatons. So in this rare case, it's actually not true.

"Come on, Kevin, it's starting!" Sandra exclaims. "Don't just stand there!"

Right, the important cutscene. As I climb up the steps, I slide my phone out of my pocket.

"The fuck you doing with that?" Jason asks.

I explain my logic. "History's about to be made. I'm recording it for posterity."

"You know everyone's recording it with technology that isn't centuries out of date, right?"

Damn it! Embarrassed, I slide the phone back into my pocket. "Fuck you."

"You wanted proof, there it is!" Udina says to the Council, jabbing a finger into the air.

"This evidence is irrefutable, Ambassador," the turian councillor confirms.

That's something that always bothered me. How is this evidence so decisive? Funnelling money into nowhere is circumstantial, but it's clear evidence. It's pretty hard to fake something like that. On the other hand, a voice recording with an unknown audit trail? Five minutes in the futuristic version of Audacity and you're good to go.

If the software is that good, however, it might be designed to leave some kind of aural watermark to prevent this from happening. Some colour laser printers actually mark pages with tiny yellow dots as an anti-counterfeit measure. Not like you could print anything you could pass off as currency these days, especially with the new polymer bills around. Perhaps future-Audacity might have something like that, but I bet there's either a competitor from the Terminus or a cracked version somewhere without the protection.

But for the sake of argument, let's assume that the evidence is real. Saren actually said those words and we can confirm that Saren actually said what he did. I'll admit that his wording isn't exactly vague, but maybe he's just fooling around with the microphone. It has happened- Reagan declaring the Soviet Union illegal for example. Saren is not the joking type, but he might be able to pass it off as some kind of undercover operation. Given the Council's former faith in Saren, they might believe him too.

"Matriarchs are powerful asari who have entered the final stage of their lives," the asari councillor (how appropriate) explains. Whoa, I've zoned out. Okay, I don't think I've missed anything important. "Revered for their wisdom and experience, they serve as guides and mentors to my people."

I mutter, "Which I do. At this bar."

"What?" Aleks whispers. I guess he heard me.

"Matriarch Aethyta," I explain quietly.

"...will make a formidable ally for Saren," the asari councillor finishes. I'm tempted to call her Tevos, but I don't remember if this is Tevos or her predecessor.

"I'm more interested in the reapers," the salarian councillor says. "What do you know about them?"

That they make no sense. Blame EA for that one, rushing ME3 and giving us a colossal shitfuck of an ending that only raises more questions, among other screwups. From what we know, reapers are like some kind of twisted logic best explained in terms of Kanye West. Yo dawg, we herd u don't liek being killed by synthetics so we're gonna kill you by synthetics so you don't get killed by synthetics.

"The reapers were an ancient race of machines that wiped out the protheans," Anderson explains. "Then they vanished."

"The geth believe the reapers are gods," Shepard adds. Well, you're half right. "And Saren is the prophet for their return."

"We think the Conduit is the key to bringing them back," Anderson finishes. "Saren's searching for it. That's why he attacked Eden Prime."

"Do we even know what this Conduit is?" That's the salarian councillor again.

Thanks Bioware for naming him Valern even though basically everyone had assigned that name to the turian councillor. I mean, Sparatus is a badass name, but look how much doesn't work now! It's like you broke compatibility for no good reason!

And I just missed what Shepard said.

"Listen to what you're saying!" And there's the turian councillor which is maybe Sparatus, I can't remember. If that's Tevos, then that's Valern and Sparatus. If that's not Tevos, then I don't know. "Saren wants to bring back machines that wiped out all life in the galaxy? Impossible. It has to be. If they were real we'd have found something."

Actually, he has a point. Things don't just disappear. I've always maintained an argument against the ancient astronauts whackjobs which goes something like this: If they existed, we would have found evidence. An empty fuel tank. Radioisotopes from nuclear propulsion. Hell, a dropped candy wrapper. Even godlike aliens aren't perfect. Sooner or later they'll slip up and sooner or later we'll find something.

The counter-argument is that we have found evidence and mistook it for something else. This is a valid argument, and though we haven't seen anything conclusive on boring real Earth, that is most likely the case here. This is a prothean artifact. This is a geth creation. But in this case it's really forcing the evidence to fit the conclusions. Which is almost guaranteed to happen in certain contexts, but that's another story.

The other counter-argument is the needle in the proverbial haystack. But we've done a lot of excavation, and in sites that they're most likely to have visited. The same applies here, in the Mass Effect world.

And I zoned out again. I lean over to Sandra and whisper, "Hey, what did I miss?"

She replies, "Just Shepard arguing with those dumbos over the reapers."

"That is not good enough!" Udina yells, again pointing at the Council for some reason. "You know he's hiding somewhere in the Traverse, send your fleet in!"

Wow, I forgot how dramatic that guy can get. He's still an asshole, but he's putting on a pretty good show.

"A fleet cannot track down one man," the salarian councillor points out. If I remember correctly, he's ex-STG and knows his stuff.

"A Citadel fleet could secure the entire region, keep the geth from attacking any more of our colonies," Udina argues.

Which is kind of like, uh, asking NATO to keep Norks from attacking Japan. Eh, maybe not the best metaphor.

"Or it could trigger a war with the Terminus Systems," the turian councillor argues. "We won't be dragged into a galactic confrontation over a few dozen human colonies."

And again, despite how much everyone hates him, the turian councillor has a point. The Terminus Systems are a real threat, with a known capacity and known willingness for causing harm. The geth are an unknown, an isolated incident.

In one view, the geth should take priority _because_ they are an unknown, but that's not how a politician thinks. The geth are inconsequential until they make themselves consequential which they have not done yet. Therefore, the geth threat can be ignored and pushed aside to focus on more important issues.

Yes, given what we know, it's stupid. But given the choice between potentially igniting a very costly war and allowing a threat of unknown but probably little consequence to continue, avoiding the war probably seems like a much better option.

"I'm sick of this Council and its anti-human bull-"

The asari councillor cuts Udina off. "Ambassador! There is another solution. A way to stop Saren that does not require fleets or armies."

The turian councillor, of course, objects, and this time I don't agree with him. "No! It's too soon. Humanity is not ready for the responsibilities that come with joining the SpecTRes."

Humans are not a Council race. They -we- are an associate race. The SpecTRes we've seen are all members of a true Council race: the asari, turians, or salarians. Is a human SpecTRe unprecedented because no human has become a SpecTRe before or no member of an associate race has become a SpecTRe before? There is the fanon Blasto, but have their been actual volus, hanar, or elcor SpecTRes in the past? Maybe they haven't because they're not martial races for social and biological reasons, but what about pre-exile quarians?

"Commander Shepard, step forward," the asari councillor ordered. Okay, focus. Thinking to a minimum. This is history being made! Even if it is just history in a video game. Feels real enough, like a real Historica moment, when you're standing a few metres away.

She begins, "It is the decision of the Council that you be granted all the powers and priviliges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel."

I'm assuming Citadel in this context refers to the Citadel Council government, like the colloquial Washington or The Crown.

"Spectres are not trained, but chosen," the salarian councillor continues. "Individuals forged in the fire of service and and battle, those whose actions elevate them above the rank and file."

Then it goes back to the asari councillor. "SpecTRes are an ideal. A symbol. The embodiment of courage, determination, and self-reliance. They are the right hand of the Council, instruments of our will."

And by self-reliance, we mean you work for free. We don't even supply your equipment. Which strikes me as completely retarded, but that's cost-cutting for you.

The turian councillor picks it up next. "SpecTRes bear a great burden. They are protectors of galactic peace, both our first and last line of defence. The safety of the galaxy is theirs to uphold."

How does "first and last line of defence" work, anyway? You hear it everywhere, but it only makes sense if you don't have any other lines of defence.

"You are the first human SpecTRe, commander," the asari councillor finishes. "This is a great accomplishment for you and your entire species."

Shepard bows her head- is this an asari thing?- and replies, "I'm honoured, Councillor."

As soon as she finishes, a million thoughts start rushing through my head. See, I see stuff and I analyze it. I pick it apart and I try to figure out the background, the inner workings, all that stuff. I see someone, I try to figure out their story. I see a machine, I try to figure out what it does and how it does it. I see a structure, I try to figure out why it's designed that way and if it could be improved. Hell, I can't watch a movie without picking it apart and misquoting TVTropes.

Of course, most of the time my conclusions are somewhere between mostly wrong and batshit insane.

The thing that decides to stick in my head is the word SpecTRe. Number one, it sounds cool, and that's probably why Bioware picked it if we look at the meta-reasoning. Number two, it's presumably a forced contraction of SPECial Tactics and Reconnaissance. Number three, it makes no sense.

The double entendre only works for humans, and only anglophones at that. In galactic standard, it's not going to work out. In Asari or Turian or Salarian or Khelish or Klingon or Goa'uld it's not going to work out. In French or German or Hindi or Japanese it's not going to work out. Even in American English, it becomes an awkward misspelled NASA-style acronym (they use the spelling Specter for the ghost).

So how did the term SpecTRe come about? The only logical explanation is that the term was coined after the full name was translated. Since "Special Tactics and Reconnaissance" is not always contracted, there must be equivalent contractions in other languages without the double meaning that may sound better or worse. Someone came up with the fortuitously convenient Spectre Our translators are programmed to translate that contraction into our colloquial term for convenience.

Looking from the outside in, at the games from the real world, one potential avenue of exploration is foreign translations of the game. If they-

"Hey!" Shepard interrupts. Oh shit, act natural, act natural.

"Uh, congratulations, Commander," I reply.

"Thanks," she replies. She motions to the stairs. "Don't just stand there! We're headed to C-Sec Requisitions."

"Oh, yeah." I start walking.


	8. Shopping Expedition

A few disunnonorganized notes.

I will freely admit I got a bit lazy toward the end of this chapter.

This is probably an inferior chapter to the last, actually.

Really, why are you bothering to read it? Just read the previous chapter again. It's probably better.

I think it should be obvious by now but you'll probably get more out of this if you've actually read a lot of self inserts.

I've always imagined Ash as, well, not an Amazon but bigger and more powerfully built than most women. With that being said, I expect everyone to keep growing and be larger by 2183 since we still haven't hit our biological ceiling and they're probably pushing it up with genetic engineering and I'm rambling now.

Oh, and since other people do the music thing I'm doing it too.

ffdshow audio decoder:

Input: MP3, stereo, 44100 Hz, 192 kbps (libmad)  
Output: PCM, stereo, 44100 Hz, 16-bit integer

* * *

**8: Shopping Expedition of Character Development and Necessary Backstory**

**Stardate 2183.77  
The Citadel  
Commander Jane Shepard**

"Okay, I've managed to pinch some money off Ambassador Udina," I explained to my new crew, which included the people from the real world.

Let's get something straight right now: I think they're crazy and I don't want that on my ship. With that said, they might be useful, since they haven't actually guessed wrong yet. And it's not my choice anyway- nobody wants to deal with them so they got dumped on me.

"How did you do that?" the nerd asked me. Make that annoying nerd.

"I managed to convince him that other Spectres had sponsorship and I needed it too. And I performed some favours for him."

The big guy shared a look with the nerd. Oh, they think-

"No! Not those kinds of favours! I just smuggled a little bit of heroin for him, okay?"

"Right..."

I cleared my throat. "Look, this is serious business so listen up. You don't have any equipment, hell, you don't even have omni-tools. You didn't even have translators. Fortunately, this is the galactic capital so everything is here. We don't have to leave right away so I'm going to send you out to stock up."

"I'm going to partner each of you up with one of my crew so you don't screw up," I explained. "I know, I know, it's like grade school, but if you are who you say you are you're going to need all the help you can get."

"Fine," the big guy replied.

"Okay, nerdy guy, you're with Alenko-"

"We have names, you know," he objected.

I turned on my omni-tool so I could record it. That way I won't forget. "Alright, hit me."

"Jason. Jason Hernandez. Yeah, I know, I know." The big guy, who looks barely Hispanic at all. I don't think they were lying about him being ex-military. Maybe he's a veteran with mental problems.

"Kevin. Kevin Georgeas." The nerd with the glasses. And I am not even going to try to pronounce that last name. It's Italian or something.

"I'm Sandra McCarthy." The girl. That's... pretty much her only obvious identifying characteristic. Well, the only charitable one so far.

"The actress?" Garrus interrupted.

"What- no, not the actress!"

Finally, the male, maybe in his mid-twenties, okay, I'm terrible at describing people. "Aleksandr ******, but everyone just calls me Aleks."

"I'm sorry, what did you say your last name was?" I asked.

"Didn't I say it?"

"No, you just repeated the word _asterisk_ six times," I replied.

"Oh, sorry, it's Martin. Aleksandr G.H. Martin."

"The author?"

"No, that's George R.R. Martin! Seriously, how do you even get there?"

"Great," I finish, shutting off my omni-tool. "Okay, let's split up. Jason, you're with Chief Williams. Sandra, you're with my sister. Kevin, Engineer Adams. Aleks, Alenko. I'll take Tali. Garrus, Wrex, do whatever. You've got four hours, then we meet back at the pier at 0800."

* * *

_**Jason**_

"So, is this where you're gonna ask me about my life?"

Chief Williams shrugs. "I'm assigned to babysit you. Not to be your conversation partner."

"You're not curious?"

"It's my job to shoot things, not ask questions."

"I thought you objected to us being here?"

"And the Commander noted my objections."

"Come on, Chief, don't lie to yourself. You're interested."

"Actually, I don't give a shit about your life."

_She does. You can talk to her, you know._

Fuck off. I thought you wanted me to shut up.

_No, those were your mental manifestations of comrades you have lost._

And you're not?

_No._

Well, then I'm just really fucking crazy, aren't I?

"Hey!" Chief Williams snaps. "Just because I don't give a shit about your family doesn't mean I don't give a shit about the mission. You need to select some weapons and armor, get an omni-tool, and maybe some mods if we've got the time and cash."

"Shit, you're right," I apologize. "What's your EDC, Chief?"

"Bluewire tool, little first aid kit, and an old-fashioned butane lighter," she replies. "I carry a fifteen centimeter folder where they'll let me, and a shield vest in really shitty places. I own a Hahne-Kedar Sparrow, but I'm only licensed to carry that in Alliance space."

"No carry licenses here?"

"Well, you can get them, it just takes a while," she replies. "I never bothered, because I've never been here before. I think the Commander can get us licensed on SPECTRE authority, though."

"Hopefully."

"You still carrying that antique?" she asks. I guess she's talking about my Glock.

"Hey, it works!"

"Better than nothing, I suppose," the Chief replies. "But it's not gonna stop a shielded attacker. You need something better."

She pulls a pistol off the shelf and hands it to me. "This is a Starling, basically a newer model of the Sparrow."

I try to pull back the slide before I realize it's fixed. She explains, "It's inert. Indicator on the side is off."

I handle the Starling a bit. The Hahne-Kedar logo looks suspiciously familiar. Because you suck and we hate you. But that's not what gets me. This gun is big. Full-size pistol big, about the size of the M9, maybe even a little chunkier if a bit shorter. I'd have a hard time concealing this. And there is no way in hell Williams would be able to do it unless she dressed like a hobo.

Chief Williams is a fairly large woman. Not fat, hell no, she's fit enough to be, well, a Marine. Tall, though, maybe approaching six feet. The armor doesn't do a good job of showing her curves, but I know she has them. She's kind of hot, actually. Not by civilian standards, but compared to the few actual female infantry I've seen she's a supermodel. Even compared to all the women I've seen in the sandbox, she's pretty high up there.

_I can see you have very low standards._

Hey, that's kind of mean, isn't it?

_Where I am from, she would not even rate a two on your arbitrarily defined scale._

"Are you checking me out?"

"Maybe," I admit.

"Ugh. Men."

"Hey, give me a fucking break. I spent the better part of a decade in- uh, in the Marines." Shit, I almost said "in the sandbox". I quickly try to steer the conversation away. "Isn't this pistol a little big to carry?"

"It's pretty small collapsed," she says, and presses a button on the side. In seconds, the grip and slide (well, what should be the slide) shrink into the gun and the package is only a little larger than my Glock.

"I did not realize that," I admit. "You're gonna have to help me with this shit."

She smiles, actually genuinely smiles. "That I can do."

_**Sandra**_

"What do you think?" I ask, showing Melia what I found. It's one of those blocks made of clear plastic, with a 3-d sculpture laser-etched into it. This one has a little Citadel inside, and it looks like it's floating in space. The detail is way better than what it was on the ones we had at home and it's about four inches to a side.

"It's a cheap tourist souvenir," Melia replies. "Look, I know you're having fun, but my sister sent us to get equipment. I really think we should at least look for a pistil and armor."

"The Normandy has extras, right?" I ask, motioning to the armor I'm currently wearing. It's actually surprisingly comfy. I'm exactly the right temperature and it's only a little big harder to move.

"Actually, that's my set you're wearing," she points out.

"Well, I'm sure I can borrow some from someone if I need it," I insist. "I mean, I probably won't, 'cause, you know, I'm not like a fighter or anything like that."

"Yeah, neither am I."

"Really?" That actually surprises me. I guess I assumed that because she's a Shepard, Melia would kick butt. "What _do_ you do?"

"Look pretty," she replies, laughing. "No, I'm a communications officer. I deal with messages and encryption and that kind of stuff. I also handle some of the Normandy's ECM suite since the crew is so small."

So she's like Kelly Chambers from ME2... only she's a Shepard. "You're not biotic or anything?"

"No, there's only one biotic in the family and it's not me," she replied. "I can defend myself with a pistol or rifle if I have to- everyone in the Navy is qualified- but I don't want to do it. It's not my job."

"I guess I can understand that. It's just that, well, you know..."

"I'm a Shepard, I know," Melia says. "Nobody said Shepards are good fighters. Just exceedingly good. I graduated at sixteen, went through OCS in half the time it should have taken. I'm the youngest Lieutenant in the Navy. Qualified for Comms, Sensors, _and_ ECM."

"Just out of curiosity, how old are you?"

"Never ask a girl her age." She giggles. "Nineteen. What about you?"

"Twenty-one," I reply. "Wait, no, maybe twenty-three. I can't remember."

Melia giggles again. "Are you always this..."

"Forgetful? Clumsy?" I shrug. "Yeah, kinda. I mean, I always kind of just slide along, you know? But I try."

"I'm not sure what you're trying to say."

"I'm not sure what I am either," I reply, shrugging and sharing a laugh. "Do you know a good place to buy clothes? I've only got what's on me."

"I know lots," she replies, eyes lighting up. Practically dragging me out of the store, she continues, "Come on, let me show you around!"

_**Kevin**_

"Look, Kevin, I don't think we should be doing this. Commander Shepard wanted you to buy vital equipment. I'm supposed to be keeping you doing that."

"But you like this stuff, don't you?" I say, waving the third omni-tool of the day in his face.

"I'm the chief engineer on the Normandy. Of course I do."

I think now is a good time to explain something. We're not the same. Engineer in the context of ships doesn't mean the same as engineer in other contexts. I'm going to build big stuff and need at least four years of education and a certification to do it. He works on engines. You still need training for that, but far less. Maybe two years.

Got it? Good. I've always preferred words like artificer myself.

I start putting the an omni-tool in my basket when he interrupts, "You don't want that one."

"Why not?" Because it's in a blister pack and blister packs really suck?

"It's a piece of junk. Elkoss makes some good stuff if you're a combat marine, but the OS modifications are so clunky they're nearly unusable for everything else."

I sheepishly put the device back on the shelf. This actually reminds me of Android fragmentation and some of the retarded things companies like Motorola and Samsung did to the beautiful stock Android.

Come to think of it, the omni-tool is the logical evolution of a smartphone. A smartphone combines all the functions of your personal electronics into one convenient device. An omni-tool adds in the functionality of all your non-electronic personal devices, like if Leatherman built a smartphone. Except it's extensible, too. You can download a flashlight app that actually extends the hardware capabilities of the device by flash-forging a flashlight on the end.

Not sure if I like the arm mount, though.

Adams interrupts me by thrusting a different omni-tool in my face. "The Kassa Polaris. Nice combat tool, nice engineering tool, not too bad for making calls and watching vids either."

I take it, then as a spur of the moment ask, "Hey, is there something a little bigger than the fabricator in an omni-tool?"

"You mean micro-fabs? I don't know, those are pretty expensive."

"How expensive?"

"They start at ten grand and go up."

I run through the numbers in my head. "Do I really need armour?"

"I don't see the Commander ordering you into the field. So probably not, no."

"Then let's go shopping."

_**Aleks**_

"So, Lieutenant-"

"Kaidan is fine. Lieutenant is my military name." I was actually kind of hoping he would say that. I know it doesn't really line up to stereotypes but I'm not really big on formality.

"So, Kaidan..." I began, but stopped. I just didn't know how to start the conversation. "Uh, I heard you like Shepard."

Oh, I'm going to regret that. Look, it seems I already do.

"You mean my commanding officer?" he asked.

"Well, yes." Very much regret that.

"No, our relationship is strictly professional."

I felt like a fool. I know it's in the games, but it was more than a little presumptuous of me. "Sorry about that, it's just, well..."

Kaidan laughed. "It's okay. I'm not good at observing people either. I guess it comes from being a biotic."

In all honesty, I never really paid much attention to Kaidan in the games, and now I feel kind of bad for letting him die on Virmire in every playthrough. He's actually an alright guy.

But I was curious, so I continued to inquire. "Being a biotic?"

"Yeah, it was hard growing up a biotic," he replied. "It's better now, but back then everyone was afraid of biotics. I was ostracized. Isolated. It wasn't easy when everyone thought you were a monster, but I had a few good people who stood by me the whole way. And then there was BAaT. No offence, but that's not something I talk about to everyone."

"No, no offence taken," I replied. I guess I never actually thought about how it might feel to be a biotic. Not that great, I imagine. I mean, yeah, you've got your awesome Jedi mind powers, but when there aren't many people around with them you'd be a freak.

"So what's your story?" he asked abruptly.

I shrugged. "Not sure there's much story."

"Everyone has a story."

"Alright, I was born in a small town just outside London, but my family moved into the city when I was young. Did pretty well in school, not really excellent but well enough. My passion is music, though, and I spend a lot of time on it. School Band, Marching Band, Concert Band, Jazz Band, Rock Band. I do a bit of painting and writing too, but music is my big passion."

"Interesting. What's with the dearth of music related jokes and references so far?"

I shrugged again. "Lack of knowledge I suppose."

After a moment, Kaidan added, "I know you're a musician and you've got to have instruments, but we're going on a mission. I think we should really go looking for that now."

"We can get all that later, I still need to find a halfway decent guitar," I huffed, holding up a pair of very strange stringed instruments. "All I've seen so far is plastic rubbish and these peculiar asari sitars."

"Okay, fine, but I'm holding you to it," Kaidan replied.

* * *

**Commander Jane Shepard**

Jason was the first to come back. Both him and Chief Williams were carrying several hard weapon and armour cases. I recognized some of the logos on them- Armax, Hahne-Kedar, Haliat Armory. Not the best brands, but not bad. "Well, Jason, I see you managed to stock up... quite well, actually."

Ten minutes later, Sandra arrived. She was carrying several shopping bags, and so was Melia. I saw an infrared hair dryer, a miniature soda machine, and a lot of clothes. No armour. No weapons. The clothes didn't even look particularly practical? "Sandra, what the hell is this? Did you buy any actual equipment?"

She didn't have time to reply, because Kevin and Engineer Adams were right behind her. They were overloaded with tech. Omni-tools, datapads, terminals, micro-fabricators and all sorts of tools. Useful, but not where we're going. "Kevin. Well, you got the omni-tool, at least."

Aleks was last. He had hard cases, and I was pleased for a moment before I realized they weren't weapons cases. They looked like musical instruments. There was also a folding easel and what looked like art supplies. Seriously, who _paints_ anymore? "Last but not least, Aleks. Honestly, I don't even know how you can play so many different instruments."

I sighed. "Look, you need equipment. This is what's going to happen. You're going shopping again. I will be with you. I will make sure you buy what you need. Clear?"

I turned to the aliens. "Looks like we're delayed another hour or two. Just... do whatever it is you aliens do for fun."

"Don't you think that's a bit racist, Commander?"

"Shut up, Alenko."

* * *

_**Kevin**_

"First, omni-tools," Shepard announces as we walk into a bright, shiny, futuristic electronics store. One thing that hasn't changed over the last century is the temperature; this place is as cold as Future Shop.

"Kevin and Jason at least bought omni-tools," she points out. She glares at me. "In Kevin's case, nothing but omni-tools."

She grabs two white boxes with lots of silver lettering off a shelf and hands them to Aleks and Sandra. I don't get a good look, but I notice the Kassa Fabrication logo on the side. She explains, "Kassa Polaris. Midrange tool, not too expensive but does a decent job at everything. Combat, engineering, checking your status."

Sandra takes the box and immediately asks, "How's the camera?"

Melia shrugs. "No better or worse than any other."

"Checking your status?" Aleks asks.

"Yeah, on Spacebook," Melia replies. "It's basically a nearly-identical clone of 2014 Facebook that inexplicably exists nearly two centuries later, evolving at a far slower pace than Facebook actually was."

"Well, that's interesting to know," I mutter as we leave the store.

_**Sandra**_

"Next, armor. I don't expect you to need it, but like I said, be prepared."

"I'm wearing armor right now!" I point out.

"That's my armor," Melia reminds me. "I'm going to need it back."

Shepard ignores us and places a set of armor on the table. It's dark blue with white plating. She explains, "This is Devlon Industries Explorer Armor. It's fairly basic protection, but they throw in an environmental control module for free which is a nice plus."

"Are we really going to have to wear that?" Aleks complains.

Shepard replies, "Like I said, I don't expect you to need it, but it may be necessary to do so, yes."

"It's not as bad as you might think, Aleks," I say. "It's pretty light and not that restrictive. It just moves with you. Plus there's a pee thing so I haven't had to visit any bathrooms since we got here."

"I actually really didn't want to know that," Aleks replies.

"That's my suit, you know," Melia mutters.

"I heard that!" I shout back, laughing. "Sorry, I'm sure you can clean it or something."

Shepard clears her throat. "Now, if you'll step into the scanner, we can get your measurements. I promise the radiation isn't lethal... well, not that lethal anyway."

_**Jason**_

"Third and last, guns."

We barely notice. Everyone's already gone for the weapons, and I cringe because they're sweeping everyone with chambers shut and fingers on the trigger. I know that future weapons are probably safer but you just don't do that.

"Hey, look, I'm a SPEHSS MAHREEN!" Kevin shouts, struggling to wield a large blocky weapon and sweeping the muzzle across everyone.

"You know, that actually kind of does look like a bolter," Aleks comments. "Do you think we could get some of those?"

"Absolutely not," the Commander snaps, taking the weapon out of Kevin's hands and slamming it back into the rack.

"Come on, Shepard, it's a bolter! How can you go wrong with a bolter?"

"It's not a bolter. That's a Krogan shotgun. It will break your arms off."

"That's bloody perfect!" Aleks says excitedly. "It's like a real Imperial weapon. If you're not an Astartes you can't use it!"

"That logic doesn't even make any sense," I comment, sighting a pistol at the wall. It just has illuminated open sights. Nothing wrong with that, but not really very futuristic.

Shepard grabs a pistol off the shelf. "Elanus Striker. Standard pistol. Not the most powerful, but reasonably accurate and reliable."

Noticing the large size of the pistol, I interrupt, "Commander, don't you think something more concealable would be in order?"

"It's plenty concealable," she replies, pressing a button on the side. The pistol folded up into a rectangle about the size of a pocket book.

"Ooh, neat," Sandra whispers.

"Now, I don't expect you to need more than a pistol, but for no good reason everyone has to carry a shotgun, assault rifle, and sniper rifle in addition to their sidearm," Shepard announced, pulling three more weapons off the rack. "Benelli S9, Izhmash AK-88, and Remington Rx9."

Aleks asks, "Wait, what? Not fancy space brands?"

"Well, no," Shepard replies. "What, you thought all the manufacturers would just disappear?"

"Huh. I guess that makes sense."

"We don't get to choose our own weapons, either?" Kevin asks, disappointed.

Shepard glared at him. "If you wanted to choose your weapons, you should have done so when you had the chance."

_**Aleks**_

"Did we forget anything?" I asked.

"I don't think so."

"No, ma'am."

"Nope."

"Nuh-uh."

"Nah."

I objected, "Hey, how come I don't get a sec-"


	9. Spectre for Hire

This chapter went together really fast. Probably because it's really short.

I guess this is kind of sketch comedy?

* * *

**9: Spectre for Hire**

_**Aleks**_

"Well, at least we're moving," I muttered as the Normandy began the relay approach run.

"Relay abort!" Shepard shouted suddenly.

"Relay abort aye!" Joker acknowledged. I felt a sickening lurch as the ship turned not quite a hundred and eighty degrees and the engines fired at full.

"What the bloody hell was that?" I blurted out before I stopped myself. "I thought we were going to Feros?"

"Joker, set course and dock with the Citadel," Shepard ordered.

She turned to me and shrugged. "I changed my mind. I want to do some sidequests on the Citadel first."

* * *

_**Sandra**_

"Hey, isn't it a little odd that Shepard took everyone with her?" I ask as we stroll through the wards. "Including Melia, Joker, Engineer Adams, Navigator Pressly, and the janitor?"

"Excuse me, Commander Shepard, could I have a moment of your-"

Before anyone can react, Shepard shouts, "I've had enough of your snide insinuations!" and punches the reporter in the face.

"Shepard!" I shout. "That's the _good_ reporter!"

"You bitch!" Emily Wong shouts, clutching her bleeding nose.

"Oh, shit, really?" Shepard says, extending an arm to help the reporter to her feet.

"Yeah, that's Emily Wong," Aleks explains. "She's like, completely badass. Even crashes a news van into a Reaper. The one you're supposed to punch in the face is Khalisah bin ceenan... Calissa ben seeing... the bitchy reporter."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she's a total bitch," Aleks continues. "You like, try to explain in a perfectly reasonable way what you're trying to do. Then she calls you out as a traitor and, well, most of the time you punch her in the face. I mean, I always did, anyway."

Shepard apologizes profusely. "God, I am so sorry. I really thought you were the reporter I was supposed to punch. Look, here, I'll try to make it up to you."

She pulls a disc out of her pocket (wherever that is) and gives it to Emily. "Here, I found this mixtape in Fist's office. You can have it."

Emily plugs it into her omni-tool and her eyes light up in surprise. "Hey, this isn't a mixtape, it's criminal records! Thanks, Commander!"

"Sure, whatever," Shepard dismisses. "I have my own mixtape anyway."

As we leave, Kevin asks, "Does it bother anyone else that they still call it a mixtape in the future?"

* * *

_**Kevin**_

As we leave the consort's office with our reward money, I say to the others, "Seriously, I don't get it. What's with all these odd, ostensibly hilarious statements with no context?"

"You mean the consort jokes?" Jason asks.

"Those were jokes?"

"Yes, they were jokes. At the consort's expense. She is, how can I put this nicely... a woman of the street," Aleks explains.

"Pretty sure she's not homeless," I reply. With what she's charging... and that busy... provided it's not a sales tactic- no. "No, she's definitely fairly well off."

"No, not a homeless lady, a woman of the street," Sandra says. "Like, you know, a working girl."

"If you call that working," I reply. "It's not like they do much there."

"She's an escort," Melia says.

"I seriously doubt that. Not intimidating enough." Then again, there are those less conspicuous services, like the all-female one in Russia. "Could be a less conspicuous option, I suppose."

"No, not that kind of escort. She's a hustler," Ash says.

"I don't think what she's doing is technically a scam," I refute. Then again, if you make a ton of money doing basically nothing. "Maybe immoral and unethical, but probably not illegal."

"She's lady of the evening," Kaidan says, sighing.

"Well, no doubt she's fancy, but I fail to see how that explains any of the jokes," I reply.

"Look, she's a harlot," Shepard says.

"A vagabond or beggar?" I ask rhetorically, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe a criminal, but like I said probably doesn't actually break the law, and totally swimming in cash."

"She's a whore, damn it!" Jason snaps.

"What?"

"She's basically a fancy hooker," Jason explains. "Woman of the street, working girl, escort, hustler, lady of the evening, those are all words that mean prostitute."

"Ohhhhhhh..."

* * *

_**Jason**_

"Commander Shepard? My name is Samesh Bhatia. Forgive the intrusion, but I have nowhere else to turn."

I wait for Shepard to respond, but she doesn't. The Indian guy just continues. "My wife was a Marine. She was in the 212 on Eden Prime."

Beside me, the Chief shifts uncomfortably. I whisper, "You okay, Chief?"

She replies quickly, a little too quickly, "Yeah. I'm fine."

_She is not. Losing her entire unit hit her hard._

No shit. I've been there- well, not quite. Shut up, voice in my head.

_Suspending..._

"I've requested that my wife's body be returned to me for cremation, but the military has refused my request."

"What?" Chief Williams exclaims. "They can't do that!"

"Technically, Chief, they can," Lieutenant Alenko tells her.

"The man in charge of my case is Mr. Bosker. When I last saw him, he was in that expensive bar over there," he says, pointing.

"Of course he was," I mutter.

The Chief is already gone. I run after her. "Chief, what the hell are you doing?"

I almost walk into the door before I remember the control panel and I manage to get the door open and get through without falling over. Chief Williams has Bosker by the neck and she's holding him a foot off the ground.

"-think that just because she died in a slightly different way, you can carve her up like a turkey? After fighting for the Alliance, this is what..."

Not gonna lie, I'm enjoying this way more than I should be, given the circumstances.

_She outranks you significantly. And she's from the future._

Since when were you my relationship coach? And I thought you suspended?

_I lied._

"Stand down, Williams!" Shepard orders, bursting into the room.

Chief Williams hesitates before letting go of Bosker. "Yes, ma'am."

The slimy bastard (I can tell, total scumbag) glared at Shepard. "As I was saying before your rather rude subordinate interrupted me, Serviceman Nirali Bhatia's wounds were inconsistent with any type of weapon damage we've seen before."

"Keep talking," Shepard snaps.

"Respectfully, Serviceman Bhatia may save more lives in death than she did in life. The tests we wish to conduct may lead to better defenses against Geth attacks."

"He does have a point," Aleks mentions.

"Surely you can't be serious?" Sandra asks.

"I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley," Aleks replies. "Look, I know this looks bad, but maybe she-"

"Dead servicemembers deserve proper burials," I say. "No exceptions."

"What about dishonorably-"

"No. We're not debating ethics," Chief Williams snaps. "Nirali deserves to be buried properly, not have some sick medical experiments performed on her."

"But those experiments could actually-" Kevin protests.

"No." I give the Chief a slight nod. "What you're doing is pissing on everyone in the Alliance. You have zero respect and if it was up to me I'd break your scrawny neck."

"You can't do that!" Bosker protests.

"You're right, I can't," I pretend to concede. "But we just passed a reporter on our way here. Let's say I go tell her everything that happened here. People just love hearing about Marines getting screwed over by the government. The Alliance is going to have to do something to save face. Guess who's gonna be the fall guy?"

"Okay, okay, you've made your point!" Bosker replies, raising his hands in the air. "I'll release the body."

"Thank you," I reply, in a tone that's hopefully sarcastic. I turn and leave.

"Hey," Chief Williams says to me. "Thanks."

I nod back. "No problem, Chief."

_That was actually pretty creative, what you did back there._

I'm only mostly a dumb Marine, you know.

_Oh, I know everything about you. I'm in your head, you know._

That's kind of creepy, Cortana.

_What? My name is not Cortana._

Then you don't know everything.

_Suspending..._

* * *

_**Aleks**_

"This one believes it has the right to walk freely through this area."

"You're creating a public disturbance!" the turian C-Sec constable retorted irritatedly. "It's against Citadel regulations!"

"Ah, let me guess, hanar preaching about the Enkindlers without a license," I said to no one in particular.

"No," the C-Sec constable corrected. "He's trying to sell cold-aide without a license."

"You need a license to sell cold-aide?" Kevin asked from behind me.

"Well, yes," the constable told us. "It's regulated. Anyone can purchase a permit and register to sell cold-aide in designated areas. There are certain restrictions that come with the license. Refusing to follow those restrictions results in the forfeiture of the license."

"I'm sorry, I'm really not following," I replied.

"That hanar refuses to listen to reason!" the constable repeated. "There are laws! It refuses to act in an orderly and lawful manner!"

"It? That's kind of racist, isn't it?" I mentioned.

"They kind of ask for it by saying 'this one' and that kind of stuff," Kevin said, shrugging.

"It can't listen to reason because it's a big, stupid jellyfish!" Shepard said to the constable, surprising us. After a pregnant pause, she added, "All racist jokes aside, is it actually breaking any laws."

"I am not unreasonable," the constable continued. "The hanar is free to sell its cold-aide once it purchases an appropriate permit."

"If you'd like, I can talk to the hanar for you," Shepard offered.

"I've argued with the stubborn jelly all afternoon. You are certainly welcome to try."

"Do you desire to purchase cold-aide?" the hanar asked as Shepard approached him... her... okay, it. "Or has the honourable C-Sec officer enlisted assistance?"

"Is this really how you want to represent Caffit Foods?" Shepard challenged.

"The taste of the drink must be made available! It gives the hanar energy, and the universe refreshment," the hanar exclaimed... I guess. "This one only wishes to make the beverage available to all. There is no intent to cause trouble."

"Okay, this is stretching it pretty far," I commented. Nobody noticed.

"Is this really how you want-"

"Look, just buy the damn license, you cheap bastard!" I shouted, frustrated with all this nonsense.

"This one cannot afford to-"

"How much profit do you make on each cup?" I ask, interrupting.

"Thirty credits."

"And how much does a license cost?"

"Three hundred credits."

I shouted back, "That's ten cups of sales! Jesus Christ on a pikestaff! How long have you been able to afford a license?"

The hanar hesitated before answering. "Three months."

"And how long have you been selling."

Another pause. "Three months and one day."

"Just buy the license so we can end this quest, get our experience points and get on with our journey!" I shouted at the hanar. "Look, I don't mean to bring your race into it, but you really are a big stupid jellyfish!"

I turned on my heel and walked away. Shepard muttered something to the constable and the hanar before following.

"Is this rage thing going to become a regular thing?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "Probably. Seems to work quite well, doesn't it?"


	10. Planet Explorers

Just realized I forgot the music thing, so here's two songs for this chapter!

ffdshow audio decoder:  
Input: FLAC, stereo, 44100 Hz, 704 kbps (libavcodec)  
Output: PCM, stereo, 44100 Hz, 16-bit integer

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Input: Vorbis, stereo, 48000 Hz, 128 kbps (libavcodec)  
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* * *

**10: Planet Explorers**

Shepard: Welcome aboard the Normandy.

_Fade in. Shot of entire team forming into a line in dramatic poses for no apparent reason._

Shepard: We're on a mission that's really important. Really, really important.

_Closeup pans of team members making funny faces at the camera._

Shepard: This is like potentially galaxy ending stuff, people.

_More closeups. Camera bumps into Tali's visor and cameraman quickly backs away._

Shepard: We're heading into a dangerous galaxy full of dangerous... stuff.

_Rapid cut to Jane and Sandra entering a ring. Like a boxing ring, not a social circle or whatever._

Shepard: We don't know what our enemies look like. They're all mysterious and evil.

_Jane hits Sandra once, knocking her to the floor. She gets up and gets beat back down._

Shepard: They want to kill us and we have to be ready or something.

_Approximately thirty seconds of Jason and Ash failing to hit each other._

Shepard: Everyone has to be ready for that. Uh, getting attacked, not getting killed.

_Kevin runs away from a puzzled Wrex, tripping over a toolbox and falling over._

Shepard: It doesn't matter where you came from. You're soldiers now. Like Sam in Transformers.

_Aleks hides behind a crate as Kaidan biotically tosses bits of junk at him._

Shepard: Everyone needs to put in all the effort so we can win and stuff.

_Long shot of team dancing poorly for no apparent reason._

Shepard: Like I said before, this is really important, so everybody try really hard.

_Cut to CIC. Jane takes the microphone from her younger sister, glaring at her._

Jane: You know what, Melia, it's official. You don't get to do speeches. Ever.

* * *

_**Aleks**_

"Okay, that did not work for so many reasons."

I said that from my position lying on my back on the floor, of course. At that point it seemed every muscle and bone and major organ in my body hurt like a bugger. Even my bold statement came out as more of a squeaking protest.

"The training montage or the training itself?"

I replied painfully, cringing at the thought, "Both."

"I am not cut out for this," Kevin groaned from my right.

"I should have just bit him," Sandra said from my left.

"You guys are horrible at this!" Melia told us, with barely a drop of sweat on her face. "Especially you, Jason. I mean, you did _okay_, but Marines are supposed to be badass."

"Hey, piss off Windows, I was never Recon." Jason spat from a position on a bench about three metres to my right. "Besides, you don't punch hostiles in the sandbox unless you want to be really dead."

"What?" Sandra asked.

"You don't fight with punches," Jason explained, rolling over. "That's about five levels below last ditch."

"No, not that, you called Melia Windows."

"Yeah. Mini Shepard, MS, Microsoft, Windows."

"That's really stretching it a bit far, isn't it?" I asked. Really, I'm just not seeing it.

"I don't think that's-" Melia tried to say before Jason cut her off.

"Windows, you kicked my ass. I think I deserve to call you whatever I want."

"That doesn't make any sense either," I pointed out.

Before I could say anything else, Jason cut _me_ off. "Do you want a nickname too?"

"Wait, Melia was the one in the training montage?" Kevin asked with a sudden realization.

She shook her head and helped him up. "Nope."

"So Shepard-"

"Yes."

"I didn't finish the-"

"No."

I raised my hands into the air, which was actually a colossal effort given my current predicament. "You know what, this is just getting strange, we should probably stop now."

* * *

_**Jason**_

"Shepard!" I shout, catching her as she come out of her quarters. "Hey, Commander, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," she replies, stopping.

I begin semi-sarcastically, "Look, I'm enjoying this training as much as everyone else, but I've gotta ask the question. Why?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Why are we training?"

"That's what I'm asking, yeah."

Her answer sounds flat and rehearsed. "Isn't it obvious? So they can defend themselves and be useful."

"Bullshit," I snap. "Why are you trying to teach these civvies advanced hand-to-hand? Even if they learn it, which is unlikely, it's completely useless."

"I wouldn't say that," she defends. Weakly.

"Hand-to-hand is three steps below last-ditch," I reply, rattling off, "Drone or air strike. Artillery. CAS. Fire support. Crew-served weapons. Rifle. Pistol. Knife. Sharp piece of metal. Rock. Fist."

Seeing her hesitation, I remind her, "I'm a Marine, Shepard. Two and a half tours in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. I know what I'm talking about."

"That was over a hundred years ago," she says.

_You know, she has a point. War can change a lot in a hundred years. It certainly did for us._

"Bullshit," I snap. "War never changes. The fist became a last-ditch weapon as soon as man harnessed the power of the rock."

She turns and snaps, "What if we're boarded? What if Saren sends more people? What if they're out shopping? How are they going to defend themselves?"

"Bullshit." I snap. "If all you've got is your fists then maybe it's time to reevaluate your EDC."

"I'm sorry, EDC?"

"Every day carry. Pistol." I raise my shirt, revealing the Starling in its holster underneath. I begin patting my pockets. "Backup gun- I don't have one, but I was going to get one. Knife. Leatherman. Even a pen can do a lot of damage."

She doesn't reply.

I repeat, "We both know this is a waste of time, Shepard. So I'm going to ask again. Why. Bother?"

She sighs and leans closer. "Look, I've got to give them something to do. Make them feel like they're doing something useful, like they're going to be able to contribute. I don't plan on actually taking them anywhere dangerous."

"Why not teach them something useful, then?" I ask.

"Because then they might actually want to use it."

* * *

**Shepard (full-size)**

"So, first order of business," I began, but was immediately cut off.

"We go after Saren!" Garrus, Wrex, and Tali shouted at the same time.

I raised my hand in the human gesture of stop. "Actually, no. We need to-"

"I thought your eyes were brown," Kevin suddenly interrupted.

"Do you have something to add, Kevin?" I asked.

"Uh, your eyes. They're green now."

"Do you have something against green eyes?" Sandra asked Kevin.

"Uh, no, they're quite lovely, actually."

"Are you hitting on me?" I asked, teasing. Hey, Command saddled me with these morons, so I might as well have some fun with them while they're here.

"No, no, of course not!" Kevin replied, cheeks turning bright red. Huh, I didn't know that actually happened to people.

"But seriously, I'm pretty sure you had brown eyes when we arrived," Aleks added, trying to save some of his friend's dignity.

I folded my arms. "My eyes are green."

"Twins day," Melia reminded me.

"Oh, right!" I said. "Yeah, me and Melia decided we'd do twins day this year. We decided to meet in the middle, so we'd look the same."

"I dyed my hair red," Melia explained. "I used really permanent dye, though, so it's going to be a while before it goes back to natural."

"Aren't you _actually_ twins?" Kevin asked, confused.

I shook my head. "No, I don't have an identical twin."

"So Melia's your non-identical twin?" Sandra asked.

I glared at her. "I'm not her twin. Seriously, can't you tell that we're almost ten years apart?"

"Uh... no?" Kevin semi-asked. "I'm not really good at telling ages."

"Isn't this supposed to be a briefing, ma'am?" Chief Williams interrupted, annoyed at our antics.

"Yes, Chief, it is," I replied professionally. "Where were we?"

"Right. I figured we should do a side mission to test the Normandy's systems and shake down the new Mako-"

Kevin and Aleks suppressed laughs, Aleks better than Kevin. I glared at them. "What's so funny?"

"You said shake down," Kevin said. "There's a kind of double entendre there."

"Basically, it handles badly and you're a really bad driver so..." Sandra began before trailing off.

I shrugged. "Well, you just volunteered yourselves."

"Are you kidding me?" Aleks immediately objected.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm just kidding."

"That's a relief," he replied in that strange accent of his.

"Oh, you're still coming," I told them. "You've just done a bunch of training and I want to see how you do."

"So, uh, where are we going?" Jason asked, saying something for the first time since the briefing began.

"Just a little planet exploring," I explain. "We're headed to Edolus."


	11. Training Day

I got the chapters tititles mixed up XDXDXDXD

Have more music.

ffdshow audio decoder:  
Input: AAC, stereo, 48000 Hz, 256 kbps (libfaad2)  
Output: PCM, 5.1, 48000 Hz, 16-bit integer

* * *

**11: Training Montage**

_**Aleks**_

"Drop in three, two, one," Shepard counted down, reaching up and pulling a handle. "Drop!"

It was actually very anticlimactic. There was a slight jolt, and then a gentle feeling of falling. This went on for about thirty seconds. It actually wasn't two bad. I hummed to myself, mentally composing a little waltz.

"Engaging deceleration thrusters," Shepard said calmly. About a second later, we were forced downward into our seats by what felt like ten anvils. It was like the most dramatic theme park ride you've ever been to, times one thousand. Like the theme park ride from hell.

And the shaking. Oh dear God, the shaking! The Mako shook with what felt like a million different out-of-sync vibrations, like it was about to shred into a million pieces and drop us onto the planet.

"HOLY SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Kevin shouted, but I could barely hear him over the cacophony of horrid screeching coming from Sandra and my own top-of-the-lungs shouting of agony.

"It's no worse than a helo, it's no worse than a helo..." Jason muttered to himself as the Mako shook itself to pieces. At least, I think that was saying, because although he's not a quiet guy everyone else was literally screaming at the top of their lungs. "Fuck it, this is way worse, we're all gonna die!"

"Impact in three, two, one." Shepard counted down again, still calm and professional. This time it wasn't being pushed into the seat. It was more like having a gigantic sledgehammer slam you into the seat. I felt like my eyeballs were going to pop out, along with my bones and vital organs.

Fortunately, the sensation only lasted a moment, but it still left me feeling like I'd been tossed in a giant blender in frappe mode.

"Oh, thank God, we've landed," I commented.

"Ow. I think I broke a bone." Sandra winced. "Or all of them."

Then Shepard hit the accelerator.

* * *

_**Jason**_

As soon as the Mako stops, Sandra immediately undoes her harness, rips her helmet off and throws up all over the floor of the Mako.

I feel pretty much the same. Like throwing up, only I can hold it down better. I'm sure the other guys are, too.

_Even _I_ feel sick._

I shout, "Look, Commander, I'm not saying you're a bad officer, but if you drove that way in Iraq someone would waste you."

_Oh come on, you wouldn't really do that, would you?_

Not me personally. But some of those guys were nuts.

Shepard raised her arms into the air. "Hey, it's not my fault, this thing handles horribly!"

"Oh, that is such rubbish!" Aleks spits back.

"You want to try it?" Shepard challenges.

"Come on, everyone knows you're just a bad driver!"

"Hey, isn't Edolus the planet with the Thresher Maw?" Sandra comments, reseating her helmet.

"Thresher... MAW!" Shepard shouts, then hammers the accelerator. Fortunately, I'm still in my harness, and so is Kevin. Aleks and Sandra, though, get thrown into the back of the Mako.

"Jason, get on the gun!" Shepard orders.

"Yes, sir!" I shout back automatically. Oh, there's going to be hell to pay for that. I unclip my harness and am promptly thrown into Sandra by a hard turn.

"Damn it!" I pick myself back up and grab on to the turret basket, using the metal frame to pull myself up into the turret as the Mako pitches and rolls around me.

There's a mostly empty control panel in front of me with a large screen that isn't turned on. No controls. The whole thing must be holographic. "Shepard, no joy up here!"

"Turn it on!" Frantically, I search for an on switch. Smooth metal, smooth metal, wiring!

"Fuck!" I slam my fist down on the panel and surprisingly a holographic interface comes alive, along with a live view of the turret with targeting reticule and everything. One of the holographic controls looks like a joystick.

"You're really bad at this!" Shepard shouts at me.

"What do you expect?" I shout back, slamming the "joystick" to the stops. "The closest thing I've done to this is sitting in an Abrams once!"

I've gone too far and I slam the joystick back over, kinda-sorta lining up on the thresher maw. There's a big red symbol on the panel that look like "fire" and I slam my other fist down on it.

I feel a slight whump and a bright blue projectile streaks toward the Maw and explodes. The thing screeches, bleeds, and dives back under the soil.

"No target, no target!" I shout.

"Emerging at seventy!" Shepard shouts back, hammering the accelerator again. Seventy what... degrees! I pivot the turret around and sure enough, the Maw is there. It spits acid at us and barely misses thanks to Shepard braking.

I miss too. The red symbol disappeared but there's another one beside it. I mash it and a stream of bullets streaks toward the Maw. So that's the coax. I light that fucker up.

"Maw diving!" I shout as the thing hops back into the ground. I pivot the turret around, searching for the thing. God damn it, why does this thing only have the tiny front viewscreen.

"Right behind us! Hold on!" Shepard shouts. I feel like we're suddenly flying, probably because we are. Shepard's hit the jets, and we're now in the air and tilting like crazy.

I bring the turret around and fire, missing horribly with the main gun and ripping across the Maw and half the landscape with the coax. How the hell am I supposed to lay an unstabilized gun when we're flying? I mean, could this thing be any more poorly designed?

The coax control goes blue and flashes, with an overheat warning above it. So, yeah, there's that.

"Damn it, Shepard, give me a shot!" I shout as the Maw dives away from us again.

"I'm trying!" she yells back.

Suddenly, the Maw comes out of the ground right in front of us. Shepard slams hard right and hits the gas. I bring the turret back around.

At point blank, I can't miss. I put a round right through the head of that oversized worm, blowing it to pieces. It's almost comical the way the thing wavers and crashes to the ground.

I state habitually, "Clear."

* * *

_**Kevin**_

"Well, this is pretty gruesome," Aleks says as he follows me out of the Mako.

"I, uh, think I'm going to wait in the Mako," Sandra says in an embarrassed tone, retreating. "I don't want to, you know, do that again."

Jason is, of course, an incomprehensible mess of cursing and swearing.

Aleks turns to me. "You know, this is surprisingly serious, all things considered."

"This is a sombre moment," I tell him. "No parodies today."

Shepard is just standing there, staring at the bodies of the dead marines. I'm not sure if she's in shock or just pondering.

See, one of Shepard's potential backgrounds has her the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack. I think it was on Akuze. That would define her and although it's barely mentioned in the game, it's something that's usually explored at lot more in fanfiction. Sometimes she just sees this and locks up, which is what it looks like now.

Then again, I was never good at reading people.

"Hey, Commander, you okay?" Jason asks.

Shepard's head snaps up. "Yeah, just thinking. Someone... someone close to me almost died in an attack like this one."

She turns to us. "Come one. Let's retrieve these bodies, destroy the distress beacon, and get the hell out of here."

* * *

_**Sandra**_

"All of you should have seen me much earlier. You are all in extremely poor health."

Jason is the one who breaks the awkward silence. "Excuse me, doc?"

"You are all in very poor health," Dr. Chakwas repeats.

We're sitting on the beds of the Normandy's infirmary. Shepard sent us here because we got all banged up on the mission and she wants to make sure we're okay.

Dr. Chakwas points to me first. "Extremely poor muscle tone and asthmatic as well. And you have several allergies, including pollen. How could you end up with such medical problems?"

"I, uh, I guess I never thought about it before." I shouldn't do what I did before and tell her I'm from the 21st century. That would be very bad.

She moves on to Jason. "Decent musculature, but heavily degraded ligaments and joints. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were carrying extremely heavy loads with no lift assist despite not having the augmentations for it."

"I did. Three times, actually."

Aleks is next. "Odd muscle proportions, the beginnings of serious issues with your wrist and hand bones, and your entire respiratory system has taken a beating. You've been abusing yourself, young man."

"I never really thought about it that way."

She stops at the last bed, which Kevin is sitting on. "Asthma even worse than your friend's. _Obesity_. Mild _hypoglycemia_. In addition to generally being out of shape. Do you have any idea how poor your health is?"

"Pretty bad, I guess."

She steps back. "In addition, all of you are missing several very important vaccinations. Frankly, you should not have been aboard this ship. It's a miracle you've avoided serious injury or illness."

"So, what happens now, doc?" Jason asks.

"You'll be given the vaccines you are missing, and your pre-existing conditions will be treated." She pauses ominously. "This may take a while. And it may be somewhat painful."

This is not going to be fun...


	12. Training DayA1

I'm not happy with the last two chapters. Like, really not happy. So I decided to rewrite them completely. I've scrapped the originals and started from scratch, revising and rewriting both chapters. I know that you were probably excited for a new chapter, but by focusing on existing chapters I can provide a better experience overall.

Music suggestion remains the same.

* * *

**12: Planet Explorers**

Shepard: Welcome aboard the Normandy.

_Fade in. Shot of entire team (in suitably dramatic poses) forming into a line._

Shepard: We're on a mission that's important. Really, really super important.

_Closeup pans of team members reveal that they're actually struggling not to laugh._

Shepard: This is like potentially galaxy ending stuff, people.

_More closeups. Camera bumps into Tali's visor and cameraman quickly backs away._

Shepard: We're heading into a dangerous galaxy full of dangerous... stuff.

_Rapid cut to Jane and Sandra entering a boxing ring arena kind of thing._

Shepard: We don't know what our enemies look like. They're all mysterious and evil.

_Long shot of Jane knocking Sandra down. Sandra gets up and is knocked down again._

Shepard: They want to kill us and we have to be ready or something.

_Approximately thirty seconds of Jason and Ash failing to hit each other._

Shepard: Everyone has to be ready for that. Uh, getting attacked, not getting killed.

_Tracking shot of Kevin running away from puzzled Wrex, tripping over a toolbox and falling over._

Shepard: It doesn't matter where you came from. You're soldiers now. Like Sam in Transformers.

_Aleks hides behind a crate as Kaidan biotically tosses bits of junk at him. Over-the-shoulder shot._

Shepard: Everyone needs to put in all the effort so we can win and stuff.

_Long shot of team dancing poorly for no apparent reason with lots of flashy lights._

Shepard: Like I said before, this is super important, so everybody try really hard.

_Cut to CIC. Jane takes the microphone from her younger sister, glaring at her._

Jane: You know what, Melia, it's official. You don't get to do speeches. Ever.

* * *

_**Aleks**_

"Okay, that did not work for so many reasons."

I said that from my position lying on my back on the floor, of course. At that point it seemed every muscle and bone and major organ in my body hurt like a bugger. Even my bold statement came out as more of a squeaking protest.

"The training montage or the training itself?"

I replied painfully, cringing at the thought, "Both."

"I am not cut out for this," Kevin groaned from my right.

"I should have just bit him," Sandra said from my left.

"You guys are horrible at this!" Jane told us, with barely a drop of sweat on her face. "Especially you, Jason. I mean, you did _okay_, but you're a Marine. I expect better."

"Yeah, seriously, you suck," Melia added, standing beside Jane.

"Hey, fuck off Windows, I was never Recon." Jason spat from a position on a bench about three metres to my right. "Besides, you don't punch in the sandbox unless you want to be really dead."

"What?" Sandra asked.

"You don't fight with punches," Jason explained, rolling over. "That's about five levels below last ditch."

"No, not that, you called Melia Windows."

"Yeah. Mini Shepard, MS, Microsoft, Windows."

"That's really stretching it a bit far, isn't it?" I asked. Really, I'm just not seeing it.

"I don't think that's-" Melia tried to say before Jason cut her off.

"Windows, you annoy me. I can call you whatever I want."

"That doesn't make any sense either," I pointed out.

Before I could say anything else, Jason cut _me_ off. "Do _you_ want a nickname too?"

"Wait, Melia was the one doing the voiceover?" Kevin asked with a sudden realization.

She shook her head and helped him up. "Yes and no."

"Wait, so Shepard-"

"Yes."

"I didn't finish the-"

"No."

I raised my hands into the air, which was actually a colossal effort given my current predicament. "You know what, this is just getting strange, we should probably stop now."

* * *

_**Jason**_

I stumble out of the pod and through the door onto the crew deck and greet the only person in the mess. "Commander."

"Can't sleep?" Shepard asks.

"You've got it." I reply, then I begin semi-sarcastically, "Look, I'm enjoying this training as much as everyone else, but I've gotta ask the question. Why?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Why are we training?"

"That's what I'm asking, yeah."

Her answer sounds flat and rehearsed. "Isn't it obvious? So they can defend themselves and be useful."

"Bullshit," I snap. "Why are you trying to teach these civvies advanced hand-to-hand? Even if they learn it, which is unlikely, it's completely useless."

"I wouldn't say that," she defends. Weakly.

"Hand-to-hand is three steps below last-ditch," I reply, rattling off, "Drone or air strike. Artillery. CAS. Fire support. Crew-served weapons. Rifle. Pistol. Knife. Sharp piece of metal. Rock. Fist."

Seeing her hesitation, I remind her, "I'm a Marine, Shepard. Two and a half tours in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. I know what I'm talking about."

"That was over a hundred years ago," she says.

_You know, she has a point. War can change a lot in a hundred years. It certainly did for us._

"Bullshit," I snap. "War never changes. The fist became a last-ditch weapon as soon as man harnessed the power of the rock."

She turns and snaps, "What if we're boarded? What if Saren sends more people? What if they're out shopping? How are they going to defend themselves?"

_Again, she has a point. We were caught completely off guard, and so will you._

That's why you need to be prepared.

"Bullshit I shrug. "If all you've got is your fists then maybe it's time to reevaluate your EDC."

"I'm sorry, EDC?"

"Every day carry. Pistol." I raise my shirt, revealing the Starling in its holster underneath. I begin patting my pockets. "Backup gun- I don't have one, but I was going to get one. Knife. Multitool. Hell, even a pen."

She doesn't reply.

I repeat, "We both know this is a waste of time, Shepard. So I'm going to ask again. Why bother?"

She sighs and leans closer. "Look, I've got to give them something to do. Make them feel like they're doing something useful, like they're going to be able to contribute. I don't plan on actually taking them anywhere dangerous."

"Why not teach them something useful, then?" I ask.

"Because then they might actually want to use it."

* * *

**Jane Shepard**

"So, first order of business," I began, but was immediately cut off.

"We go after Saren!" Garrus, Wrex, and Tali shouted at the same time.

I raised my hand in the human gesture of stop. "Actually, no. We need to shake down some of the Normandy's systems, get the Mako broken in, and figure out how we work together. Get a feel for our equipment and each other."

"Ugh, you've got to be kidding me," someone muttered quietly. I ignored them.

"Now, we're going to go to-"

"I thought your eyes were brown," Kevin suddenly interrupted.

"Do you have something to add, Kevin?" I asked.

"Uh, your eyes. They're green now."

"Do you have something against green eyes?" Sandra asked Kevin.

"Uh, no, they're quite lovely, actually."

"Are you hitting on me?" I asked, teasing. Hey, Command saddled me with these morons, so I might as well have fun with them while they're here.

"No, no, of course not!" Kevin replied, cheeks turning bright red. Huh, I didn't know that actually happened to people.

"But seriously, I'm pretty sure you had brown eyes when we arrived," Aleks added, trying to save some of his friend's dignity.

I folded my arms. "My eyes are green. They've always been green."

"Twins day," Melia reminded me.

"Oh, right!" I said. "Yeah, me and Melia decided we'd do twins day this year. We decided to meet in the middle, so we'd look the same."

"I dyed my hair red," Melia explained. "I used really permanent dye, though, so it's going to be a while before it goes back to natural."

"Aren't you _actually_ twins?" Kevin asked, confused.

I shook my head. "No, I don't have an identical twin."

"So Melia's your non-identical twin?" Sandra asked.

I glared at her. "I'm not her twin. Seriously, can't you tell that we're almost ten years apart?"

"Uh... no?" Kevin semi-asked. "I'm not really good at telling ages."

"Isn't this supposed to be a briefing, ma'am?" Chief Williams interrupted, annoyed at our antics.

"Yes, Chief, it is," I replied professionally. "Where were we?"

"Shakedown mission, ma'am."

"Right. I figured we should do a side mission to test the Normandy's systems and shake down the new Mako-"

Kevin and Aleks suppressed laughs, Aleks better than Kevin. I glared at them. "What's so funny?"

"You said shake down," Kevin said. "There's a kind of double entendre there."

"Basically, it handles badly and you're a really bad driver so..." Sandra began before trailing off.

I shrugged. "Well, you just volunteered yourselves."

"Are you kidding me?" Aleks immediately objected.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm just kidding."

"That's a relief," he replied in that strange accent of his.

"Oh, you're still coming," I told them. "You've just done a bunch of training and I want to see how you do."

"So, uh, where are we going?" Jason asked, saying something for the first time since the briefing began.

"Just a little planet exploring," I explain. "We're headed to Edolus."


	13. Planet Explorers Mod 1

As promised, the completely from-scratch rewritten version of Chapter 11. Music remains the same.

* * *

**13: Planet Explorers**

_**Aleks**_

"Drop in three, two, one," Shepard counted down, before reaching up and pulling a handle. "Drop!"

It was actually very anticlimactic. There was a slight jolt, and then a gentle feeling of falling. This went on for about thirty seconds. It actually wasn't two bad. I hummed to myself, mentally composing a little waltz. Kind of a blend of two other famous waltzes, mixed together in some kind of colourful metaphor.

"Engaging deceleration thrusters," Shepard said calmly. About a second later, we were forced downward into our seats by what felt like ten anvils. It was like the most dramatic theme park ride you've ever been to, times one thousand. Like the theme park ride from hell.

And the shaking. Oh dear God, the shaking! The Mako shook with what felt like a million different out-of-sync vibrations, like it was about to shred into a million pieces and drop us onto the planet.

"HOLY SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Kevin shouted, but I could barely hear him over the cacophony of horrid screeching coming from Sandra and my own top-of-the-lungs shouting of agony.

"It's no worse than a helo, it's no worse than a helo..." Jason muttered to himself as the Mako shook itself to pieces. At least, I think that was saying, because although he's not a quiet guy everyone else was literally screaming at the top of their lungs. "Fuck it, this is way worse, we're all gonna die!"

"Impact in three, two, one." Shepard counted down again, still calm and professional. This time it wasn't being pushed into the seat. It was more like having a gigantic sledgehammer slam you into the seat. I felt like my eyeballs were going to pop out, along with my bones and vital organs.

Fortunately, the sensation only lasted a moment, but it still left me feeling like I'd been tossed in a giant blender in frappe mode.

"Oh, thank God, we've landed," I commented.

"Ow. I think I broke a bone." Sandra winced. "Or all of them."

Even with all our aches and pains, it was very relieving to be on the ground. Then Shepard hit the accelerator.

* * *

_**Jason**_

As soon as the Mako stops, Sandra immediately undoes her harness, rips her helmet off and pukes all over the floor of the Mako.

I feel pretty much the same. Like throwing up, only I can hold it down better. I'm sure the other guys are, too.

_Even _I_ feel sick._

I shout, "Look, Commander, I'm not saying you're a bad officer, but if you drove that way in Iraq we would waste your ass."

_Oh come on, you wouldn't really do that, would you?_

Not me personally. But some of those guys were fucking nuts.

Shepard raised her arms into the air. "Hey, it's not my fault, this thing handles horribly!"

"Oh, that is such rubbish!" Aleks spits back.

"You want to try it?" Shepard challenges.

"Come on, everyone knows you're just a bad driver!"

"Hey, isn't Edolus the planet with the Thresher Maw?" Sandra comments, reseating her helmet.

"Huh, I guess it is," Aleks says.

"Thresher... MAW!" Shepard shouts, then hammers the accelerator. Fortunately, I'm still in my harness, and so is Kevin. Aleks and Sandra, though, get thrown into the back of the Mako.

"Jason, get on the gun!" Shepard orders.

"Yes, sir!" I shout back automatically. Oh, there's going to be hell to pay for that. I unclip my harness and am promptly thrown into Sandra by a hard turn.

"Damn it!" I pick myself back up and grab on to the turret basket, using the metal frame to pull myself up into the turret as the Mako pitches and rolls around me.

There's a mostly empty control panel in front of me with a large screen that isn't turned on. No controls. The whole thing must be fucking holographic. "Shepard, no joy up here!"

"Turn it on!" Frantically, I search for an on switch. Smooth metal, smooth metal, wiring!

"It's not working!" I slam my fist down on the panel and surprisingly a holographic interface comes alive, along with a live view of the turret with targeting reticule and everything. One of the holographic controls looks like a joystick.

"You're really bad at this!" Shepard shouts at me.

"What do you fucking expect?" I shout back, slamming the "joystick" to the stops. "The closest thing I've done to this is sitting in an Abrams once!"

I've gone too far and I slam the joystick back over, kinda-sorta lining up on the thresher maw. There's a big red symbol on the panel that look like "fire" and I slam my other fist down on it.

I feel a slight whump and a bright blue projectile streaks toward the Maw and explodes. The thing screeches, bleeds, and dives back under the soil.

"No target, no target!" I shout.

"Emerging at seventy!" Shepard shouts back, hammering the accelerator again. Seventy what... degrees! I pivot the turret around and sure enough, the Maw is there. It spits acid at us and barely misses thanks to Shepard braking.

I miss too. The red symbol disappeared but there's another one beside it. I mash it and a stream of bullets streaks toward the Maw. So that's the coax. I light that big bastard up.

"Maw diving!" I shout as the thing hops back into the ground. I pivot the turret around, searching for the thing. Why does this thing only have the tiny front viewscreen?

"Right behind us! Hold on!" Shepard shouts. I feel like we're suddenly flying, probably because we are. Shepard's hit the jets, and we're now in the air and tilting like crazy.

I bring the turret around and fire, missing horribly with the main gun and ripping across the Maw and half the landscape with the coax. How the hell am I supposed to lay an unstabilized gun when we're flying? I mean, could this thing be any more poorly designed?

The coax control goes blue and flashes, with an overheat warning above it. So, yeah, there's that.

"Damn it, Shepard, give me a shot!" I shout as the Maw dives away from us again.

"I'm trying!" she yells back.

Suddenly, the Maw comes out of the ground right in front of us. Shepard slams hard right and hits the gas. I bring the turret back around.

At point blank, I can't miss. I put a round right through the head of that oversized worm, blowing it to pieces. It's almost funy the way the thing wavers and crashes to the ground.

* * *

_**Kevin**_

"Well, this is pretty gruesome," Aleks says as he follows me out of the Mako.

"I, uh, think I'm going to wait in the Mako," Sandra says in an embarrassed tone, retreating. "I don't want to, you know, do that again."

Jason is, of course, an incomprehensible mess of swearing.

Aleks turns to me. "You know, this is surprisingly serious, all things considered."

"This is a sombre moment," I tell him. "No parodies today."

Shepard is just standing there, staring at the bodies of the dead marines. I'm not sure if she's in shock or just pondering.

See, one of Shepard's potential backgrounds has her the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack. I think it was on Akuze. That would define her and although it's barely mentioned in the game, it's something that's usually explored at lot more in fanfiction. Sometimes it drives her crazy. Sometimes it makes her do stuff. Sometimes she just sees this and locks up, which is what it looks like now.

But I thought this Shepard was War Hero?

"Hey, Commander, you okay?" Jason asks.

Shepard's head snaps up. "Yeah, just thinking. Someone... someone close to me almost died in an attack like this one."

She turns to us. "Come one. Let's retrieve these bodies, destroy the distress beacon, and get the hell out of here."

* * *

_**Sandra**_

"All of you should have seen me much earlier. You are all in _extremely_ poor health."

Jason is the one who breaks the awkward silence. "Excuse me, doc?"

"You are all in very poor health," Dr. Chakwas repeats.

We're sitting on the beds of the Normandy's infirmary. Shepard sent us here because we got all banged up on the mission and she wants to make sure we're okay.

Dr. Chakwas points to me first. "Extremely poor muscle tone and asthmatic as well. And you have several allergies, including pollen. How could you end up with such medical problems?"

"I, uh, I guess I never thought about it before." I shouldn't do what I did before and tell her I'm from the 21st century. That would be very bad.

She moves on to Jason. "Decent musculature, but heavily degraded ligaments and joints. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were carrying extremely heavy loads with no lift assist despite not having the augmentations for it."

"I did. Three times, actually."

Aleks is next. "Odd muscle proportions, the beginnings of serious issues with your wrist and hand bones, and your entire respiratory system has taken a beating. You've been abusing yourself, young man."

"I never really thought about it that way."

She stops at the last bed, which Kevin is sitting on. "Asthma even worse than your friend's. _Obesity_. Mild _hypoglycemia_. In addition to generally being out of shape. Do you have any idea how poor your health is?"

"Pretty bad, I guess."

She steps back. "In addition, all of you are missing several very important vaccinations. Frankly, you should not have been aboard this ship. It's a miracle you've avoided serious injury or illness."

"So, what happens now, doc?" Jason asks.

"You'll be given the vaccines you are missing, and your pre-existing conditions will be treated." She pauses ominously. "This may take a while. And it may be somewhat painful."


	14. Therum of a Trapped Asari

This is the longest chapter of SASI so far, so enjoy it.

Some notes:

-I actually tried to drive in the lava the first time I played the game.

-#SuperAwesomeSelfInsert is the new divider and hashtag.

-This is the longest chapter of SASI so far.

Music suggestion for this chapter:

ffdshow audio decoder:

Input: AC3, stereo, 48000 Hz, 224 kbps (libavcodec)

Output: PCM, 7.1, 96000 Hz, 16-bit integer

* * *

**14: Therum of a Trapped Asari**

_**Shepard**_

"That's really a stretch."

"Yeah, it's like, a really bad pun."

"And it's not even funny."

"Seriously, that doesn't work."

"Okay, maybe the opening bit isn't perfect material," I relented, throwing my hands into the air. "I'm naval special forces, not a stand-up comedian. But come on, you've got to admit the part with the-"

"No," the four people from the alternate reality snapped in unison. I know that's an awkward designation, but what do you call them, other than _crazy weirdos_?

"Fine, forget it," I replied. "I'm just going to be serious from now on."

I flicked my hand upward, bringing up a hologram of a cat jumping over a fence.

"Oops, wrong one," I covered as the four laughed at me. Well, I'm glad they found this funny. A few swipes over and I had the right hologram up.

"Is that Noveria?" Aleks asked.

Kevin shook his head. "Nope, it's Therum. Look at all the lava."

"You're right. It's Therum," I confirmed, leaning back in my chair. "A possible location of our missing asari archaeologist, Benezia's daughter. So, is she there or not?"

"Yes."

"Definitely."

"Sure."

"Yeah."

"I'll take that as a yes," I acknowledged. Honestly, the extremely casual attitude they're taking was putting me off a little bit. This is some serious stuff... but I guess it isn't to them. It's just a game that they're now stuck in.

Which would actually kind of suck, given the gravity of this mission. They'll learn soon enough. And then I'm going to have to find a good pshrink.

"Okay, tell me what's going to happen." I hadn't actually grilled them for information yet, and I had no idea how much they had or how accurate it was. No matter how much confidence they had, I reminded myself, I would not trust their information to be accurate. That kind of assumption would get people killed.

I knew these people could resolve a situation, but that doesn't mean they're the real deal. Maybe they have some skills, maybe they were just lucky. Doesn't mean they know what's going to happen.

Kevin was the first to explain. "You'll be dropped off in the Mako on some red rocky stuff. There's a twisty path of rocky ground with lava in between, making kind of like a maze. Don't drive in the lava."

"You don't fucking say," Jason interrupted.

"Hey, the first time I played it I didn't know that stuff was lethal and I tried to drive across it!" Kevin retorted. He turned back to me. "So don't drive in the lava, okay?"

"Noted." My dry sarcasm seemed to be lost on him. "So, don't drive in the lava, go down the maze. Anything I should know."

"Yeah, there's geth periodically," Aleks told me.

"And you didn't think this was important?"

"I was getting to it," Kevin replied. Well, it goes without saying that they probably should have said that first. "Okay, it's just a few groups of geth troopers, sometimes with an armature. Some of them have rockets, but other than that, it should be no problem with the Mako. Use the jump jets to avoid rockets and armature blasts. I like to run over the troopers and repeatedly back over the armatures to kill them."

"You do what?" Melia shrieked.

"I ram and repeatedly back over the armatures to kill them. It's more fun that way."

"This is not a game!" My sister waved her hands in the air.

"Actually, from my point of view, this is very much a game."

"That's crazy!"

"Settle down, both of you," I intervene. "Okay, so we've got geth on the path. Troopers backed up by armatures. I don't like it, but we can handle it."

Wait... "We can handle it, right?"

"Yeah, no problem," Kevin replied.

"Wait!" Sandra interrupted. She spoke quickly. "There's like a base thingy that you have to go around. It's like, a thing with a bunch of turrets. I think it's Garrus that says there's too many guns and you'll have to find a way around. Then there's this path in the cliff and you can flank them and shoot only a few turrets and then you go through and open the gate."

I nodded. "Path around the turrets. Check."

"Then there's this part where you can't go through with the Mako-"

"Bullshit," Kevin snapped.

Sandra shot him a look. "What?"

"Bullshit," Kevin repeated. "If you manoeuvre just right, you can get the Mako through the rocks. I don't think it does much good, though. If I recall correctly, there's a hill on the other side that you can't go up."

"I'll figure that out on the ground," I replied. "But to be clear, at some point we'll have to go on foot?"

"That's correct," Kevin replied. "I don't really remember where, but at some point you'll come to a mining colony kind of thing. You'll have to fight a geth colossus. I used to die a lot in this part, but then I figured out I could keep Shepard behind cover and use my squad to soak up bullets."

"Damn it, Kevin, this is not a game!" I shouted. Using people as bullet shields is where I draw the line.

"I remember it as a game!" Kevin replied, accentuating every syllable. "Sorry. Look, the colossus is powerful and hard to kill, but you can take it down."

"How powerful?" Melia asked.

"It's basically a bigger, nastier armature," Jason said succinctly.

"Right. I knew I should have bought that grenade launcher." I sighed. "Okay, we take down the Colossus, somehow. Then what?"

"There's an entrance to the archaeology mining place," Sandra explained. "There's some geth, and then an elevator that you take down, and then you meet Liara. She trapped herself in this Prothean security forcefield and you'll have to use a mining laser to get to the other side. Then you can talk to her, but the place starts to cave in and you take an elevator up. Then there's some krogan that you have to fight-"

"Have to fight?" Melia asked. I'm not sure what she's getting at.

"Yeah, no matter what you say you can't convince him to back off," Sandra added. "After you kill him there's a cutscene where you run out of there and the Normandy comes to pick you up."

"A cutscene. Brilliant," I muttered.

Kevin heard me. He replied honestly, "We're just saying it as we saw it."

"Aleks, anything to add?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I haven't played the first game, so I don't really know a whole lot about it."

"What about you, Jason?"

He shrugged. "What Kevin and Sandra said sounds right."

"So, when do we leave?" Aleks asked, standing up.

"_I_ leave with my team as quickly as we can after we drop out, which should be in-" I checked my watch- "about five hours. _You_ stay here."

"But Commander-"

"No," I said forcefully. "Not yet. Today, I want to verify your information. At this time, your job is intelligence. It remains to be seen whether you'll succeed at it. If you do, then we can go further."

* * *

"Uh, Commander, I'm picking up some weird readings. Like, off the damn charts. It's coming from a compound a few clicks from where you are now."

I keyed the comm. "Copy that, Joker."

I had decided to take Garrus, Williams, and Alenko on this mission. I don't have anything against aliens- hell, was sure those guys were reliable- but they were an unknown quantity. I decided to take one of them on each mission along with Williams and Alenko until I got a feel for them.

Garrus was a natural choice for this mission, with these wide open areas and his sniper rifle. I let him take the gun, because he can't be any worse than Jason. He told me that the Mako was a little different from what they had in the turian military, but not too dissimilar overall.

"Grey skies, red rocks," Williams remarked quietly. "Reminds me of Mars, kinda."

I hit the accelerator and the vehicle bumped over the rough terrain. The suspension in the Mako always was a little too floaty for my tastes.

"Should we really be going this fast, Commander?" Alenko objected, bounding around in the seat behind me.

"It's fine." I will admit I'm kind of rough on vehicles. But this is a military vehicle. It's built to take abuse.

The way the rocks were formed made a twisty, maze-like path, with several segments obscured from the others by hills. As we rounded a corner, a geth dropship came over the rise and dropped a pair of armatures.

"Damn it!" I swore. Nobody mentioned the dropship! "Garrus-"

"Already on it, Commander!" I felt the thump of the main cannon and saw a bright flash in front of us. I was actually... kind of impressed. Garrus managed to get a perfect hit on the first armature, first try, from a moving vehicle.

The second armature shot one of its energy balls at us. Remembering what Kevin had said, I hit the jump jets. The energy ball flew underneath us, and as soon as we landed Garrus fired again. This shot went wide, hitting the ground short of the target.

I slammed my foot down, speeding up the Mako and bringing us in closer. Garrus switched to the machinegun, little impacts peppering the geth armature's shields. A few seconds later, there was another thump, another flash, and the armature was reduced to bits of scrap metal.

"Two out of three. Not too bad, Garrus," I commented lightly.

"I could have got three out of three if this gun was properly calibrated." the turian replied. I couldn't tell if he was joking or actually disappointed.

It was an uneventful few kilometres before what looked like some kind of gatehouse appeared in the distance. I activated the zoom function, and sure enough there was a pair of missile turrets defending it. So this is that strongpoint we're supposed to go around.

Oddly, the only resistance we'd encountered up to that point was the pair of armatures. No troopers at all. So they weren't quite right... but I wasn't going to argue with what we got. I'd rather deal with two armatures than several groups of armatures and troopers.

"Anyone see a way around?" I asked, looking around.

"Right side, between the rocks," Williams pointed out. A red indicator appeared over the exterior view.

"Got it." The rocket turrets fired on us as we zipped through the exposed area between where we were and the rock outcropping, but the rockets flew harmlessly behind us. Pretty awful targeting software if they do that.

"Turret, left side!" Garrus shouted as we emerged into a small open area. Above us was some kind of work platform, and to our right... yep, turret, and firing a rocket straight toward us.

I slammed the Mako into reverse and hammered the accelerator. The rocket just barely missed us. Garrus returned fire, hitting the turret with the cannon and taking down its shields but not destroying it.

I pushed the selector back to forward and stomped the accelerator again, pushing the wheel all the way to the left and taking us straight toward the turret. One more shot from Garrus finished the turret off.

"Hostiles ahead!" Alenko shouted, bouncing around in his seat again. Seriously, why is everyone bouncing around so much?

"Garrus-"

"On it, Commander!" A steady stream of machine gun fire ripped into the geth troopers as we charged toward them.

"Alenko, Williams, prepare to dismount! Garrus, cover us with the machine gun!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Alenko was nearly thrown out of his seat after undoing his harness.

"Gotta hold on tighter, Alenko!" I cautioned, engaging the park brake. I reached up with my left hand and popped the back hatch before undoing my own harness and climbing out of the seat.

There was only one geth trooper left by the time I exited the vehicle. A quick burst of fire from my assault rifle finished it off. "Clear forward."

"Clear right."

"Clear left."

"Area clear," I confirmed. "You can come out now, Garrus."

"On my way, Commander."

There was a building on each side of the gate. I had no idea which one had the controls, but I figured there couldn't be too many geth in each one. Damn it, why couldn't I get tactical details like that? "Alenko, Williams, stack up on the right building. Garrus, on me."

I ran up to the right side of the doorway of the left building and flattened myself to the wall. I motioned Garrus to the opposite side, and he did the same, rifle at the ready. I unholstered my shotgun.

"In position," Alenko reported.

"Move in on three. One, two, three! Move!" I raised my shotgun and spun through the doorway, dropping to a crouch in one fluid motion. Straight in front of us were what looked like mixing tanks, with a path around to the right.

A geth trooper came around the corner, and I put a load of pellets in it. That dropped its shields, but it kept coming. Then its head blew apart.

"Clear!" I shouted. "Alenko, report!"

"One geth down, all clear, Commander."

I turned to Garrus, who was stowing his sniper rifle. "Really, Garrus? A sniper rifle?"

"It worked, didn't it?" he replied lightly. "I can hit a moving target from a kilometre away. I can also hit one from five metres away."

There was a weapons locker in front of us. Well, nobody else is going to need those. "Garrus, can you get this open?"

He took a brief look at it. "Well, it's going to take a few minutes to decrypt-"

"Nevermind," I dismissed, "decrypting" the locker with the butt of my rifle. Inside was a pair of shotguns and a lone assault rifle. I unclipped a cloth bag from my hip, shook it in the air a few times to expand it, stuffed the guns inside, and clipped it back on.

Beside the locker was a window and a control panel. I mashed random buttons until the gate opened. "Regroup at the Mako," I ordered as we left.

Williams and Alenko joined up with us halfway. I noticed the chief had a bag similar to mine, and it also had something rattling around in it. We tossed the bags in the underseat bins before strapping in. I started the engine and we were off again.

There was a ramp on the gate and after driving over it we lingered in the air several seconds before crashing down. I could have made that longer with the jump jets, but just didn't feel the need at the time.

"Commander, with all due respect, slow down!" Williams shouted from the back.

"Never!" I shouted back, laughing. Maybe I'm enjoying this a little too much. It kind of runs in the family.

It's another windy path, this one kind of crescent shaped, blocked off on one side by hills and piping and blocked off on the other side by a lava lake.

"Geth ahead," Garrus reported, holding his fire.

I don't understand how Kevin could have thought that wasn't deadly. It glows bright orange. I couldn't feel anything through my climate-controlled suit in the climate-controlled cabin, but the external temperature sensors reported a significant increase from radiant heat.

"Fire at will," I ordered. As soon as I finished giving the order, the thump of the cannon firing reverberated through the vehicle. Garrus must have already layed the gun. It was another good shot, too, blowing the armature to pieces from a couple of hundred metres away.

As we drove along, I heard and felt another thump. Garrus called, "Got another one."

"Distance?" I asked conversationally.

"Four hundred metres," he replies in the same tone as we round the bend.

"Two more," Alenko called. "Ten o'clock, range five hundred."

"I'm on it," Garrus replied cooly. I stopped the vehicle, giving him a stable platform to fire from.

Thump. "Good hit. Both targets damaged."

Thump. "Good hit. One armature destroyed."

"Armature returning fire!" Williams shouted. I hit the accelerator, pulling

Thump. "Miss."

"That's Shepard's fault," Garrus pointed out.

"We had to dodge the armature's missiles," Alenko replied.

"We can take a hit or two," he replied.

"I'd rather not if I don't have to," I shouted back.

Thump. "Armature destroyed. All targets down."

"Good job," I complimented as we drove past the downed armatures.

"Troopers ahead!" Alenko shouted. Garrus immediately brought the turret around and opened fire with the machine gun. I adjusted the steering slightly and slammed the Mako right into one of them, breaking it into a bunch of much smaller pieces. The troopers quickly went down.

"Colossal armature, right side, fifty metres, firing!" Williams shouted frantically.

"Shit!" That thing is huge, easily twice the size of a normal armature. Garrus hits it with the main cannon, and though that did something to its shields, it didn't appear to be damaged at all.

I slam the Mako into reverse and pull back. The colossus fires, and its shot narrowly misses us, even still damaging our shields. I shouted, "Hit it with everything we've got!"

Garrus fires again, and that definitely weakens its shields, but it shows no sign of stopping. Fortunately, the colossus doesn't seem to be mobile- maybe it's diverted all power to shields. It fires again and I put the Mako into forward and swerve to avoid the projectile. One more hit takes down its shields, but the unit is still pretty well armoured.

Or not. Garrus puts the next round through the colossus's "eye", blowing its "head" to pieces.

"Damn," I muttered. Moving platform, tiny target, medium range. The Mako has a pretty good fire control system, but it still requires skill on the operator's part.

"I told you I was good." Obviously, Garrus had heard me. "Still, this gun could use some calibrations."

"Yeah, yeah. You're welcome to calibrate the gun once we're back aboard the Normandy," I replied. "Are we clear?"

"Area clear, Commander," Alenko replied.

There's only one way forward. It's a tunnel through the rock, with an entrance with a big building of some kind on top.

"Guess we're going through the tunnel." Which is something those people didn't mention. I wonder if they actually don't know, if they just forgot, or if they're actively trying to get me killed.

We've been driving for a while now. Couldn't Joker have dropped us closer? No, he didn't come up with the plan. I let those civvies figure out where to drop us. Figures they would pick the spot they remember instead of a better one. I'd have to have a word with them about that, too.

The tunnel is, thankfully, geth-free. The exit, on the other hand, isn't. Garrus takes out most of the geth troopers with a round from the main gun, then mops up the rest with the machine gun as we emerge.

"Negative contacts, Commander," Alenko reported.

There's another crescent-shaped path bordered by lava on one side and hills on the other. I guess this is how they build roads here. If this horrifically rough surface qualifies as a road. Then again, they might be using vehicles with better suspension here. We drive around and into another tunnel.

This one had geth in it. One geth. That I ran over.

"Geth at the exit," Alenko informed helpfully.

I slowed down, allowing Garrus to rip the geth to pieces with the machine gun. A few bullets peppered the Mako, but it was nothing the shields couldn't handle.

There was a lava lake to our left and a hill to our right, with a path going through straight ahead. Poking up above the hill was some kind of building. A volcano was smoking in the distance.

"Mars, you said?" I asked, recalling the Chief's earlier comments.

I could practically hear her shrugging. "It's the colours, Commander."

I guess I can see it. "Fair enough."

This must be where we can't continue in the Mako. Ahead of us, a bunch of rocks are piled up into some kind of barrier, with a narrow gap in the middle. I'm not sure if its natural, if the miners built it, or if the geth built it. It looks iffy to get the Mako over, but maybe...

"Garrus, do you think you could blow apart that barrier with the main gun?"

"Shouldn't be a problem, Commander." There was a thump and then a boom outside. Bits of rock flew everywhere, some of them impacting the Mako and only some of them fast enough to activate its shields.

The hole looked big enough to fit the Mako through, and we passed through with half a metre to spare on either side.

"Geth troopers ahead," Alenko called, pointing them out.

After two quick bursts of machine gun fire, Garrus replied, "No more geth troopers ahead."

"All targets down!" Alenko shouted. I slowly stopped the vehicle.

Kevin was right. We could only drive a little bit further before the canyon- it felt like a canyon- became too narrow to have any change of driving the Mako through.

"Well, it was worth a shot. We're going to have to dismount." I turned to Alenko. "Lieutenant, stay with the Mako and signal the Normandy for pickup."

It's better that we pick up the Normandy now, because if those... oracles are right then there won't be time to go back and retrieve it. The Mako can be replaced, but it's not cheap and the brass would chew me out for losing it.

"Aye, aye, Commander," he acknowledged, sliding into the driver's seat after I exited it.

That left me without a biotic, which I didn't like. Maybe I should have left Williams with the Mako, but I wasn't sure if she was qualified on it and I didn't really have time to check. "Garrus, Chief Williams, move out."

We headed through the narrow path, guns raised and at the ready. Around a slight bend was a downward slope, with sniper towers and several geth at the bottom. They immediately noticed us and opened fire.

"Williams, suppress those sniper towers! Garrus, take the snipers out!" I shouted, taking cover behind a large squarish rock. That meant I had to contend with the two white-painted troopers racing up the hill toward us.

I brought up my assault rifle and unleashed a long burst into one of them. It stumbled, but didn't go down. I fired another burst, careful to avoid overheating my rifle. It's nice to not worry about ammo, but sometimes I wish there was a quicker way to make the heat go away.

"Snipers down!" Garrus shouted. A second later, the other geth trooper that was running toward us dropped, a hole drilled nicely through its flashlight head.

"Move up," I ordered. We descended into the open area, blasting away a lone geth as we went.

Halfway into the open area, I felt something punch me in the side, and immediately dropped to the ground. Williams shouted, "Geth, right side high!"

I twisted around and lined up my rifle, but I wasn't able to get a single shot off before the trooper's head exploded.

"You okay, Commander?" Garrus asked, stowing his sniper rifle.

"I'm fine, didn't get past my shields," I replied dismissively, standing up.

"Good shot, Garrus," I said offhand.

"That was me," Williams corrected, annoyed. "I can handle a sniper too, you know."

"I know that, Chief," I replied, a bit embarrassed, before turning all business. "Area clear. Move out."

We headed up another slope, past some rocks that looked like they would make decent cover if necessary. There were no geth waiting for us, and I wondered if they'd set up the rocks or not.

"What's that?" Williams asked, pointing to a structure ahead of us. On the left was a bunch of large tanks and a small structure, connected to what looked like a large tunnel entrance on the right by a system of catwalks and pipes raised above the ground.

"Looks like a-" I began before a geth... thing jumped down from a catwalk and crawled around on the ground and jumped onto a wall.

I took a potshot at it, then dived into cover behind a crate as a dropship came up behind us. It dropped a trio of geth troopers behind the structure, followed by one of those colossus armatures.

"Oh, shit," Williams muttered from beside me. I pushed her ahead of me and dashed toward a rock outcropping as the crate exploded behind us, blown to pieces by the colossus' weapon.

"Focus on the troopers!" I shouted, dashing toward the large tanks on the right. "Stay out of that thing's firing arc!"

"Roger that, ma'am!" Williams shouted back, crouching against the building. She leaned around the edge and fired a burst. "One down."

I crouched down and ran along the edge of the building. It felt like running away, and leaving Williams and Garrus there just didn't sit right with me. But for this to work, I had to flank the colossus.

"I hope this works," I muttered, removing an awkward-looking, tape-covered device from a pouch on my right hip.

It was the best I could come up with. I knew we'd need more firepower, but we didn't have any heavy weapons aboard the Normandy- in retrospect, I probably should have handled that myself instead of assuming that requisitions idiot would get it done. Fire support from the Normandy wasn't an option, either, because of the risk of collapsing the dig site. And there was nowhere to put the Mako to provide fire support- not that I knew that at the time, but I couldn't assume we'd be able to use it.

The best I could come up with was taping several grenades together. They wouldn't fly worth a damn, but they'd make a much bigger boom. In the hopes of making it easier to throw, I stuck a metal pipe through the middle of the clump and taped that on.

The last time someone had done something like this was over two centuries ago. And I'm not sure if it worked then, either.

"Hey!" I shouted at the colossus, stepping out. It didn't respond. I pulled the pin out of one of the grenades and hurled the assembly at the colossus. It tumbled through the air, one of the grenades fell off, and then it landed directly, perfectly under the colossus.

I slid back behind the building, and there was a colossal bang and a wham I could feel. That was a big explosion.

"What in the hells was that, Commander?" a surprised Garrus shouted over the comm.

"A very dead colossus," I replied, running around the side of the building. There was still a pair of geth troopers alive, and I shot them both in the back. "Area clear."

Garrus and Chief Williams stepped out from behind cover and strode toward me. Their armour was dirty, but other than that they were unharmed.

"Nice explosion, ma'am," Williams said, surveying the damage. "Huh."

"What is it, Williams?" I asked, walking over to where she was standing.

"This isn't a colossus," she replied, kicking the machine's corpse. "It's just a normal armature. I guess it really does look a lot bigger from the ground, huh."

"It does, Williams, it does," I replied. "We're clear. Let's get that asari."


	15. Raiders of the lost Asari

Therum was getting long so I decided to split it into three parts.

Music!:

ffdshow audio decoder:

Input: WMA9, stereo, 44100 Hz, 256 kbps (libavcodec)

Output: S/PDIF (800)

* * *

**15: Raiders of the Lost... wait, that joke's already been made**

_**Aleks**_

"Checkmate."

"That's not a checkmate," I reacted, examining the board. There had to be some move I could make to get out of check... "Huh. I guess that is a checkmate."

"Best two out of three?" Kevin offered, starting to move the pieces back into their starting positions. Chess hadn't changed much in two hundred years... well, the pieces hadn't, anyway. The rules could be completely different, but we were playing with the rules we knew.

I shrugged and replied, "Why not? We don't have anything better to do."

Well, I could be composing or playing one of the many instruments I am proficient in. Or I could be sketching or painting or gluing bits of plastic together. But somehow this just seems more... right.

As Kevin continued to drop the pieces into place, I turned to Jason and asked him, "Do you think that gun's clean enough?"

Jason had been cleaning his guns since Shepard left with her team. He would first partially disassemble the gun, then methodically squirt blue fluid out of spray bottle onto the parts and go over them with what looked like paper towel. Every single one of his weapons was polished to a mirror shine. Then again, it's not like they were very dirty to begin with.

Come to think of it, they way I treat my instruments isn't too much different.

"Probably, but this gives me something to do," Jason replied, not pausing as he picked up a rifle and worked the shoulder thingy that goes up.

"I hope Shepard's okay," Sandra muttered. She had been going between pacing and thumb twiddling for the past hour or so. I'd say she'd gone a bit loopy but nope, this is just Sandra. "It's not supposed to take this long, or is it? Is game time the same? Oh, I hope Shepard's okay!"

I waved my hand dismissively. "Relax, Sandra, nothing is going to-"

"You guys might want to strap in," Melia interrupted, somehow entering the room without us noticing. "Things are about to get a little bit rough."

"This is it!" Sandra exclaimed. "This is it!"

* * *

_**Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko**_

"...is it done?" I heard a young female voice ask as I exited the Mako. "Did you find Liara?"

It was the ditzy girl, one of the four strangers that Shepard had brought on board. Now, I'm confident in Shepard, but her decision to bring these people with us struck me as a little rash. They're civilians and probably idiots at that. But I'd already brought it up and she had assured me it would be fine. So I'm obliged to treat them as our honoured guests.

She saw me, ran up to the Mako, peered inside, and then asked, puzzled, "Where is everyone?"

Unsure of what I was supposed to say or even what I was allowed to say, I replied matter-of-factly, "They're still on the surface."

"What?" she asked.

"Kaidan came back up alone, with the Mako," one of the young men with glasses clarified. He looked at me. "Right?"

"That's correct."

The girl- Sandra, I think- looked puzzled. "But... why?"

The guy straightened adjusted his glasses. "After they reached the point where they couldn't bring the Mako any further, they probably left him with it and called for pickup. You don't leave something like the Mako lying around. It's expensive."

She paused. "I guess that makes sense."

"Look, I still don't fully understand what your role is," I began gently, "But I don't think the cargo deck is the best place to hang around."

"Right, we can observe the mission from the bridge," the British kid said, already running toward the ladder. Seeing no other choice, I followed.

* * *

_**Commander Shepard**_

"Uh, hello? Can somebody help me? Please?"

I sighed. The asari was suspended a metre or so in the air, inside some kind of shimmery blue barrier. She was wearing some kind of plasticy green and white jumpsuit. Asari can deal with heat better than humans; I would be sweltering in that. Oddly, she had eyebrows, something I'd never seen on an asari before. I wondered if they were some kind of mutation or if she just drew them on.

"Are you Doctor Liara T'Soni, daughter of Matriarch Benezia?" I called, keeping my voice controlled and professional.

"Yes," she replied, notes of panic in her voice. "I'm trapped, I need help!"

"We're going to get you out of there," I assured her. "Can you tell us anything about that thing you're trapped in?"

"It's a Prothean barrier curtain," she explained quickly. "I knew it would keep me safe from the geth, but when I turned it on I must have hit something I wasn't supposed to. I was trapped in here. You must get me out, please!"

"How can we turn it off?" I asked.

"There is a control in here that should deactivate this thing. You'll have to find some way past the barrier curtain. That's the tricky part. The defences cannot be shut down from outside- I don't know how you'll get in here."

"Commander, her mother is working with Saren," Williams interrupted. Loudly. "How do we know that we can trust her?"

"What? I am not on Saren's side. I may be Benezia's daughter, but I am nothing like her!" Liara retorted.

"We can answer that question once we get out of here," I said. "Now, let's find a way through the field."

"Commander Shepard!" Garrus called, pointing to a large device.

"What's that?" I asked.

He replied, "It's a mining laser. It should be able to blast a hole in the rock through to the other side of the field."

I examined the control panel. "Hmm, it's locked. Can you get it running?"

He gives me the turian version of The Look. "Of course I can."

"Be careful!" Liara shouted. I doubt she could hear our conversation. "There is a krogan with the geth. They've been trying to find a way to get past the barrier."

A krogan, huh. Without saying anything about their race in general, going up against one in battle is always bad news. They're very difficult opponents; aggressive, tough as nails, and sometimes surprisingly crafty. It's not surprising that there are krogan among the geth, either. There are a lot of krogan mercenaries that will take any job as long as the credits are good.

"Ready, Commander."

"Do it," I ordered. A wide orange-yellow beam erupted from the front of the device and quickly bored a hole in the rock. Actually, that's not how it works. The part of the beam you see is vaporizing dust in the atmosphere and the hole is actually melted... or something like that. I'm a shooter, not an engineer.

"We're through," Garrus reported, shutting the laser off.

"Great," I replied, climbing through the hole. I touched the edge and immediately pulled my hand back. Even through my armoured gloves, it was hot to the touch. Well, we kind of did just vaporize several tonnes of rock.

The Protheans must have had a thing for tile. That's what it looked like, anyway. A tiled chamber, like the million-credit bathroom of an eccentric businessman. There was a control pedestal on each side. Probably not for the shower.

"Doctor T'Soni," I called.

She turned her head as far as the field would allow. "Oh. How did you get in here? I didn't think there was any way past the barrier."

I exchanged glances with Williams and Garrus. "We, uh, we blasted through with a mining laser."

"You did what?" the asari asked, shocked. "That was incredibly risky! You could have damaged the site."

"That's the least of our problems right now," Williams replied, irritated.

"The ruins could come down on top of us! Even if we were able to escape, it would destroy tens of thousands of years of history-"

"Do you want to get out of here or not?" Williams snapped.

"Yes, of course. I apologize. Please, get me out of here before more geth arrive." She turned and pointed at a control panel with her finger. "That button over there should shut down the containment field."

"Commander, her mother is working with Saren," Williams interrupted. Loudly. "How do we know that we can trust her?"

"What? I am not on Saren's side. I may be Benezia's daughter, but I am nothing like her!" Liara retorted.

"We can answer that question once we get out of here," I said. I almost continued before stopping myself. "Wait, we already had this exact same conversation!"

Williams shrugged. "Sorry, ma'am. I'm obliged to object."

"Liara," I motioned for her to continue. She did... just not in the way I expected.

"Oh, yes." She raised her voice. "I am not my mother. I do not even know why Benezia joined Saren. I don't want anything to do with that turian bastard!"

"I'm standing right here," Garrus commented.

"I apologize," the archaeologist called back. "Uh, I meant nothing against turians, it's just, well, he's a turian. I slipped."

"Sure," Garrus mumbled dryly.

"Enough cinematic conversation," I said to everyone. "I'm letting her out."

I walked over to the control panel that she had pointed at. There wasn't one button. There were a lot of buttons. And then the holographics came on and there were even more button. "Which button is it?"

"It's the yellow one."

"You're going to have to be more specific." More than half the buttons were yellow.

"It's a small triangle."

"Most of these buttons are small triangles."

"I don't see why you are having so much trouble. It's labelled security release."

I looked at the panel again. "All I see is a bunch of gibberish written in some dead language."

"Read them out to me."

I began reading the labels. "Arrêt, ordre le pain, paramètre fictif, tirer les missiles, réinitialiser l'ordinateur, override de sécurité-"

"Yes, that is the correct button!"

"Override de sécurité?"

"Yes!"

I pushed it. Immediately, the field dropped and the asari dropped to the floor.

"So, any idea how we get out of here?" Garrus asked.

"There is an elevator directly behind you," the asari pointed out.

"Oh."

I was already stepping onto the platform. As I brought up the controls, I heard her add, "At least, I think it's an elevator. It should take us out of here. I hope." She reached around me and tapped a few of the controls.

We began moving up, so I guess it really was an elevator. Or maybe we were about to be killed in some horrible way. Unlikely, but in my profession you couldn't be too careful.

"I still cannot believe all this," Liara mentioned. "Why would the geth come after me? Do you think Benezia's involved?"

"We were kind of hoping you would tell us," I replied slowly. Weren't we?

She was about to reply, but was cut off by some rumbling noise. "Is that-"

"Some kind of seismic event," she explained. "You must have triggered it with the mining laser." Her tone was accusatory.

"Williams, signal the Normandy," I ordered. "Immediate extraction."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

I turned to Liara. "We can discuss this on the ship. Right now let's focus on getting out of-" The elevator ground to a stop, a few of those bathroom chambers away from the surface. "-here."

"Well, this isn't supposed to happen," I said quietly. I bashed the end of my rifle against the control panel, and the elevator continued again. "Fixed."

"I did not believe that would work," Liara muttered honestly. An oddly silent minute later, we arrived at the top.

A krogan and several geth units were waiting for us. I counted one red trooper, one white trooper, and one partially hidden behind a post. They didn't open fire. Instead, the krogan marched onto the elevator. He shouted roughly, "Surrender. Or don't. That would be more fun."

I didn't reply. Instead, I grabbed Liara with my left hand, dragging her behind the control console, and tossed a grenade at the krogan with my right. Williams and the turian followed my lead, scurrying for cover and opening fire.

They recognized that the red geth was dangerous and took it out quickly with assault rifle fire. That left a white geth, a normal geth, the krogan... and a geth sniper that I didn't notice and it nearly took my head off. I fired back, tearing down its shields and then its head with my assault rifle. And now the krogan was charging right toward us.

_Amateur_, I chided myself. _You __shouldn't be making this kind of mistake__. __Shepard, pull yourself together!_

I got about nine rounds off before my rifle overheated. It didn't take down the krogan's shields, let alone actually hurt him. I grabbed Liara again and pulled her out of the way, nearly landing on top of her as the krogan barreled past and slammed into the centre post, ominously shaking the platform and momentarily disorienting the brute.

I switched to my shotgun, which took a precious second to unfold. I fired once into the krogan at point blank, collapsing his shields, then racked the forearm and fired again. Shotgun nearly overheated, but the krogan was injured. He roared and charged at me again.

I ducked out of the way, diving to the side. As he slid past me, I raised my shotgun and fired into his underside. I don't know if it pierced his armor or not, but he barely noticed, deciding that shooting back was probably a better idea than trying to hit me and firing his own shotgun. I felt the pellets slam into and weaken my shields.

I stepped around the central pillar, firing again into his face. That hurt him, but seemed to piss him off more than anything. I fired again and he still wouldn't go down. Krogan are tough, sp this is not unexpected, but it's still _annoying_ to put it mildly.

Then, suddenly, a hole appeared in his head and he crashed to the floor, shaking the platform again. I looked up, and Garrus was standing there with a smug... grin, I guess, on his face. I looked at him. "Really? Again?"

"It's, uh, kind of my thing," he replied cryptically.

"We should probably get out of here!" Williams shouted. The rumbling had intensified, and rocks were starting to drop from the ceiling onto the catwalks.

"Agreed. On me, double-time!" I shouted back, dashing out of the chamber and onto the metal framing.

My armoured feet pounded against the metal as I ran. I could go faster, but Liara was already lagging behind. She was fit, but not military conditioned and enhanced. Rocks sprayed down onto us, bouncing off my armour.

"Move, move, move!" I shouted as we ran into the entrance tunnel. Seconds later, I heard the catwalk break away behind us. The tunnel was shaking dangerously. I ran to the control panel and hammered the open button, and though the door was quick it felt way too slow.

The Normandy was already waiting for us, hovering just outside. I noticed that the four strangers were standing in the cargo bay, along with Lieutenant Alenko.

"You're going to have to jump," I told Liara. To my surprise, she nodded, leaping into the air, lighting up blue, and landing gracefully in the cargo bay. Of course. Biotics.

"Vakarian, go!" He was less graceful, but landed safely with some distance to spare. I heard somewhere that they were descended from birds, but I had no idea if that was true.

"Williams!" She wasn't graceful at all. She ran, jumped, and landed in a half-roll half-sprawl. Still, she made it with about a metre or two to spare.

Then it was my turn. I took a deep breath, ran up, and leaped toward the open hatch. Just as my feet left the metal, it broke away. Instead of a nice straight jump, I leaped at an angle, which meant I wouldn't travel as far. I landed with the top half of me in the ship, the bottom half of me outside the ship.

I didn't let myself panic, though it might have looked like it. My hands scrambled against the deck plating, which was too smooth to grip. As I slipped over the edge, I felt another hand grab mine. I looked up, and the British stranger was standing over me.

"Gotcha," he said confidently, before his expression turned painful. My hand began to slip in his. "Oh shite, you're too bloody heavy!"

"Of course, she's carrying more battle rattle than I did!" the big one shouted, kneeling down and grabbing my other hand. "Jesus fucking Christ you're heavy!"

"Uh, are we clear to depart, because the ground's about to become a volcano," Joker remarked from the cockpit.

"No, no, Shepard is still hanging halfway out the back of the ship," the girl said back.

"...Say again, cargo bay?"

"The Commander is halfway out the goddamn door!" the big guy shouted back. "Damn it, Alex, pull! This is Shepard's life on the line!"

"I am pulling! I am pulling as hard as I can!" the Brit shouted back. He grabbed with his other hand, and then the ship rocked a bit and he lost his footing. "Ahhh!"

He stumbled, thankfully falling backward onto the deck. I was now supported entirely by one large hand which was rapidly losing its grip. Then I started glowing blue and felt myself being lifted up into the Normandy. Biotic lift. As soon as I was clear, someone hit the ramp control and it began to close.

Liara was standing there, body still glowing biotic blue. She turned to me. "I don't mean to offend, but is your crew always this... uh... unusual?"


End file.
